You’re cute for someone who doesn’t get sarcasm.” The line lingered with Yashi Mathur long after the dinner date ended. “I remember laughing because I didn’t know what else to do,” says the 27-year-old graphic designer from Navi Mumbai. “It felt like a compliment—until it didn’t. He said it with a smirk, right after I’d tried to share something personal.”
It wasn’t the only instance. After she wore a sari to a family event, he texted: Didn’t know you had the curves for that. Pleasant surprise. “I kept thinking—was that praise or a dig? And why did I feel smaller every time he said something like that?”
What Mathur experienced is Negging: a subtle, strategic put-down disguised as flirtation.
Shruti Varma, a psychotherapist, mental health trainer, and expert in chakra healing, describes negging as “a manipulative interpersonal tactic characterised by delivering subtle put-downs or backhanded compliments, often framed as humour or flirtation.”
“Clinically speaking, this behaviour functions primarily as a means of exerting control within an emerging relational dynamic. By introducing mild criticism or ambiguity into the interaction, the individual aims to destabilise the recipient’s self-esteem and create a subtle power imbalance,” she says.
Sidhharrth S Kumaar, a relationship coach and founder of NumroVani, echoes this dynamic in his work with singles and couples. “In my personal experience of working with couples and singles, in 60-65 per cent of cases, negging gets mistaken for chemistry. This number increases significantly—up to 73-75 per cent—in cases involving millennials,” he says.
Negging originated in the early 2000s within the underground pickup artist (PUA) community, where it was framed as a psychological tactic to undermine a woman’s confidence—making her more likely to seek validation from the man.
When Banter Becomes a Smokescreen
Modern dating culture, particularly within the realm of dating apps, has elevated banter—a form of flirtation centred on witty, often cutting exchanges—to a cultural ideal.“The normalisation of banter has, in many ways, created a grey area. The line between playful teasing and psychological manipulation becomes blurred,” says Varma.
She adds that the banter’s social acceptability lowers the threshold for recognising relational microaggressions. “This ambiguity allows the perpetrator to maintain plausible deniability while still exerting subtle control,” she explains. “In online or app-based contexts that reward emotionally detached wit, individuals with avoidant or controlling relational patterns may use banter—and by extension, negging—as a socially sanctioned way to foster dependency or insecurity while maintaining emotional distance.”
The Psychological Fallout
Negging’s impact is more than social discomfort—it can cause real emotional harm. In the short term, recipients often experience confusion and cognitive dissonance. “Because negging is often delivered under the guise of humour or flirtation,” Varma says, “the recipient may question their perceptions, wondering whether they are being ‘too sensitive.’”
This dynamic can breed anxiety, hypervigilance, and a preoccupation with earning the other person’s approval. “The individual may unconsciously prioritise the manipulator’s validation to alleviate the discomfort caused by these subtle put-downs.”
The Toxicity Spectrum
While gaslighting is perhaps the most widely recognised form of psychological manipulation, negging occupies a different—yet related—space on the spectrum. “Negging is a form of covert emotional manipulation that operates through subtle put-downs or mild criticisms designed to undermine a person’s self-esteem while appearing playful or benign,” Varma explains.
Gaslighting seeks to erode one’s grasp on reality; negging introduces targeted insecurity, especially in matters of desirability or personal worth. “Negging tends to fall within early-stage relational manipulation. It may seem less extreme than chronic gaslighting or overt emotional abuse, but it operates along the same continuum of control-based behaviours.”
Why It’s Hard to Call Out
Despite its harmful consequences, negging often goes unchallenged. “It’s deliberately designed to be ambiguous and deniable,” says Varma. “Delivered in the form of a joke or playful teasing, it creates cognitive dissonance for the recipient.”
This uncertainty is exacerbated by cultural expectations to appear ‘chill’ or unbothered, particularly in early romantic interactions. “Calling out such behaviour risks being labelled overly sensitive,” she adds.
So how can one set healthy boundaries without appearing defensive? According to Varma, the key lies in focusing on the personal impact rather than debating intent. “A single awkward comment can be a misstep. But recurring subtle put-downs—especially when intimacy should be growing—are red flags.”
So next time you are caught in the trap, it’s time to look for the exit door.
