As a vociferous (and often undiscerning) reader, I tend to read whatever I can lay my hands—and eyes—on. I’ve been doing it since I was a child. Back then, I’d read the dictionary and atlas, or even labels when I could find nothing else. Today, the internet has replaced those simple joys with a bottomless pit of perdition or pleasure (depending on what you find), and reading online means spiralling down a rabbit hole of endless content.
I recently started out reading an HBR article on Difficult Conversations (‘It’s what you say, not what you think, that matters, by the way’) when I noticed a hyperlink to Stress Patterns. But of course, I clicked on it, and then I was gone. One article led to another and another, with me scoffing but lapping up everything. Finally, I arrived at the 11-3-6 rule of friendship.
I don’t know how I’ve reached my advanced age without knowing that you need a framework to turn an acquaintance into a close friend, but now I’m wiser. One freewheeling chat following a chance encounter in the canteen or a session on the playground may have done the trick in school and college. No longer. To turn an acquaintance into a bonded friend, adults apparently need 11 interactions, lasting at least three hours each, spread over six months. Did you know that?
Former FBI agent Jack Shafer has another formula to offer. In his book The Like Switch, he says: Friendship = Proximity x (Frequency + Duration) x Intensity. The higher the numbers, the more solid the friendship.
That’s not all. Once you are friends, as per my reading, you need to move onto the Four Cs to build loyalty. Start with Commitment; stick by each other through thick and thin. Communicate constantly and honestly about what you like and what you don’t. Be Consistent and reliable so they know they can depend on you. Finally, know when to Compromise; handle disagreements gracefully to keep the relationship balanced and healthy. You may have been doing all that instinctively already, but did you know the framework?
I can see how the 4Cs also work when demonstrating loyalty to one’s organisation—provided the feelings flow both ways. (Most modern employees feel and practise loyalty only when they feel valued and respected. Good organisations understand that.) But there’s one place of work in India where loyalty seems to be left at the door and formulas have little meaning. That’s the world of our Aaya Ram-Gaya Ram politicians.
Here, the 11-3-6 rule seems to apply to how many hours it takes to hop to a new party especially when a juicy carrot is dangled. As for The Like Switch rule’s Proximity angle, our chaps are only proximate to whoever holds the largest bag of resources. Intensity? Oh, the intensity is high—when directed at a television camera.
For the average Indian voter, loyalty is still an intense, ideological allegiance. People stick by their parties through sick and sin, offering Commitment to the symbol and Consistency at the ballot box. Some politicians, however, seem to operate on the formula of Power = Opportunism x (Defection + Timing). In this ecosystem, the old Four Cs of loyalty play absolutely no role. Commitment doesn’t last even as long as the coalition. Communication is limited to explaining why the enemy they attacked yesterday is their ally today. Consistency is found only in their desire to stay in office, and Compromise is something they do with their principles.
We normal adults may need six months of sustained investment to build a single true friendship; a politician can find soulmate-level loyalty with a rival party overnight. Do you think it’s time for a Penalise the Party Hopper framework?
