Dear Future Myself,
I am writing because I am sick of yammering about a glorious past which was all about rainbows, pots of gold, honour and valour before the blasted phoren invader types played spoilsport. If I remember right, it was not all that. Getting to work on an elephant (a rat if you are poor) is a beastly business, an agrarian lifestyle is hellishly toilsome, going to war with petty clans makes for epic content but is impossible to live through, and the kicker... giving little girls in marriage to paedophiles and denying them their rights is a civilisational atrocity.
Mercifully, that nonsense is history. I want to congratulate you on fully realising your potential and becoming the undisputed global superpower, you always had it in you to be. It was brilliant how you managed to leave the United States of A and the Chinese dragon choking on your tail fumes. It is even cooler how you fixed the Middle East and pulled off world peace in a major coup by making yoga and payasam (over pizza) mandatory across the globe, bundling up the terrorists, warmongering politicians, hate spewing trolls, and assorted criminals to state-sponsored serene sanctuaries where they did pranayama for two years straight after which that irredeemable lot became so zen even the Buddha did not have to spell out the eight-fold path for them.
The miracle you pulled off within your own narrow domestic walls was even more remarkable. It was a long time coming but your tribe finally got off their heinies, stopped compounding their stupidity with extreme incompetence and finally cleared the centuries old backlog of to-do items. These included cleaning up after themselves and not dumping on you literally and metaphorically. Now, you finally look Instagram-worthy. A dream come true! It is what happened when your spoilt, entitled, corrupt brat pack disposed off every single caste certificate in an eco-responsible way, made quality education accessible to every single child and made merit the sole marker for employment and holding positions of responsibility. Crimes like rape, theft and murder have been wiped out. It was a complicated affair but mostly it was about weeding out the criminal elements, not voting them to power and handing them the task of enforcing law and order. It is a beautiful thing to see your daughters living their best lives without worrying about sex offenders and power-saw wielding psychopaths who chopped them up for refusing their loathsome advances. Two words—chemical castration. It worked like a charm!
Now you can tell the haters who insisted you are a crappy country which will never rise above its crappiness to suck it before shipping them off to prison and penal reform. Sorry, I meant, the tranquil nature havens where they can get centred and focus on holistic recovery, while you continue with your extraordinary reign where there is peace and plenty for all.
I wanted to remind you to be grateful all day, every day. Don’t forget to give the offspring a big hug from me! We did it!
With love,
Present Myself
PS: Now that I have written you, I am off to do all the things that is going to make us great. For real, this time.
