Scene: Imran Khan is in the master bedroom of his official residence in Islamabad, with his begum Bushra Bibi.
A world map is spread on their bed covered with a Pakistan flag. Imran Khan: Mohtarma, the world is making fun of me for saying Japan and Germany share a border. And this map shows that Germany is in the West and Japan is in the East.
Bushra Bibi: Don’t get your knickers in a twist, mere jaan-e-fidaa, about trivial issues like accuracy. In our map, Kashmir is in Pakistan.
IK: Then why did Hina Rabbani Khar throw shade at me in Parliament? Though I must, admit she is hot.
BB: (Angrily) Enough of that, Khan saheb, or else you will feel my global warming. IK: But I’m getting hot under the collar. (Examines the map on the bed.) Why does India come between Germany and Japan?
BB: India comes between everything we do. They came between us and the US. Then between us and China over Article 370. Then between us and the UN after we blackmailed China to support us. And everyone is calling you a borderline case. It’s unfair.
IK: No big deal. Everyone has been calling Pakistan a borderline case, and I’m its PM. Maybe I can issue an official clarification that Germany and Japan share an LoC, not a border, like we and India.
BB: But they were allies in World War II. And they lost.
IK: You’re confusing me by adding history to geography.
BB: I’ve an idea. The Chinese make great fakes. Why don’t you ask your buddy Xi Jinping to create a new world map for us, putting any country anywhere? It will be easy to send terrorists across any border we like. Including Xinjiang, but don’t tell those slant-eyed kaafirs that.
IK: Mashallah, you’ve been hiding your light under a burqa, I mean, Bushra. Xi can also show Germany and Japan as neighbours to prove me right. What are allies for?
BB: (Sighs indulgently) Yeh geography, sheography forget karo and come to bed.
IK: (Enthusiastically) Now you’re talking, dilruba. I understand biology the best after three wives and hundreds of girlfriends.
BB: (Sternly) No more of that hanky panky. You are only allowed to do to maps what you do to your wives.
The phone rings. Bushra picks up, listens and gives it to Imran. “It’s Hafiz Saeed.”
HS: Boss, I need the State Department off my back. To get Donald Trump on our side, create a new world map with Iran in Pakistan, and he won’t know the difference. Afghanistan is in Pakistan, or at least on our map. The Americans won’t pull out and we will keep getting millions of dollars to, ahem, fight our own terror in Kashmir.
IK: Mashallah, that’s as neat an idea as my six for 14 against India at Sharjah in 1985.
BB: (Gloomily) But India bowled us out for just 87.
IK: Stop, I’ve lost enough face. It’s time for my Botox shot.