Morning: Woke up at 11 am, totally exhausted. Busy night, sending short, pithy missives to various offenders across the country. So okay, the tweets were all of a set format but let me tell you, it still calls for some effort to key the message out and check for spelling errors… no, scratch that last out, we’ve been told our impassioned language transcends good grammar and spelling.
Woke up offended, though. Ma had forgotten to keep two biscuits along with my chai again. And the day just doesn’t go well without biscuits to offset that cup of adrak chai. Must up my sulking game with her but I notice that of late, she doesn’t seem to be too bothered about my sulking. Which again offends me quite a bit.
Mid-morning: Sat down to work, went through several online news reports and struck gold with at least five of them. All five could feature on the Offence List, ranging from 3 (quite offended) to 5 (steam coming out of ears). We’ve been told not to waste time on stuff that is less than 3 on the offence pyramid. Not worth the time or effort.
Sat down to watch certain anti-national news channels, to pick up offensive stuff. There’s barely any shouting or haranguing there, it’s all flat news delivered by expressionless anchors... bloody boring, yaar. But it’s my job so I’ve gotta do it. Today’s haul was low on celebs (they seem to be busy getting married or planning for a 2022 wedding) but there were the usual suspects: the poet/screenwriter who said this is a divisive government; the low ranking of India in several indices (I mean, how dare they?); prayers being held by the Others in halls (I mean, how dare they?), sundry protests against price rise (this needs to be countered vociferously and immediately but how exactly, HQ will tell us).
Afternoon: Subtlety is a pain in my line of work. I miss the old days, when we’d spot exactly why we were offended by an artwork or panels of graphic art. Now much of it is abstract and concealed, or written by the likes of Tharoor and Pavan Varma, and it really needs a very sharp mind to spot offending elements to create a ruckus about.But by god, are we effective or what? See how we got Bollywood to make only the patriotic films we wish people to see. See how our revered senior member Ms R garners so much love and admiration for her wonderfully offended tweets.
Evening: Good day’s work. By 7 pm, I’ve sent out boatloads of threats, abuses, artfully doctored posts that make offenders of non-offenders, organised a big bot-rage project. What’s more, I’ve made a list of new abuses, stuff that touches new heights of vulgarity and vileness but stays just inside the defamation boundary. This creativity has worked wonders on my chronic heartburn. Tomorrow we are holding a gloat party to celebrate how we’ve sorted out stand-up comics, random ad campaigns and other non-sanskari traitors.
Night: Dalit man killed after eating with upper caste people, I read and my heart starts to race, that familiar clutch of the stomach muscles occurs, a dull pounding starts up at my left temple... and then I realise it’s not an offensive piece of news. Not to us at least.
Sheila Kumar
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kumar.sheila@gmail.com.