Prime ministerial candidates Manmohan Singh and L K Advani cannot agree to a face-to-face televised debate. They can’t even see eye-to-eye while exchanging vapid pleasantries at public functions.
Yet at election rallies or press conferences they do not shy away from going head-to-head, probably because their parties are running neck-and-neck. India hasn’t seen such intense rivalry since Zeenat Aman versus Parveen Babi. We at the Express have always believed in fair play. So, in the traditions of selfless journalism, we propose that in lieu of a TV debate, the candidates take part in a televised pentathlon, which we believe will determine the better qualified. The events will be: Rakhi Sawant’s Swayamvara.
Some think her crass, some think her surgically enhanced, but this columnist admires her grit, her streetsmarts, her ambition, and her penchant for cutting through the crap and telling it like it is. She is the personification of all threats to the status quo; she’s a better-looking (but not better-dressed) Mayawati. And with her new reality show, Rakhi’s turning yet another demeaning ancient institution on its head – she, the woman, will choose a groom from 15 suitors. Rakhi’s criteria for a husband: “I am looking for a companion who is warm, affectionate, someone who can dance a little but, who respects women for who they are, and above all, who is punctual.” Exactly the qualities we want in a prime minister! So include Manmohan and Advani in the 15, and let the best man be the prime minister (because the ‘best man’ can’t be the groom).
Pronouncing Puthukudiyiruppu. We at the Express can’t resist a little self-promotion, especially a day after our Tamil Nadu edition highlighted a story on life in the so-called Safe Zone set up by the Sri Lankan army for Tamil civilians while it wages war against the LTTE. And while several people have complained about the mainstream media’s neglect of this stillunfolding human tragedy, we think some blame must go to the politicians, who are so neglectful that they can’t even enunciate the name of the place properly. If asked to pronounce Puthukudiyiruppu, though, Manmohan Singh is likely to instead say: “Geostrategic need to prevent China getting a toehold in Sri Lanka”; “Mr Kalaignar can only twist my arm 360 degrees, and not a degree more”; “V Prabhakaran killed my beloved leader Sonia Gandhi’s beloved leader, Rajiv”; or “The nuclear deal will bring economic development to India”. Indeed, these are all a mouthful, but they are not tongue-twisters. On Advani’s turn, he may say: “Geostrategic need to prevent Pakistan getting a toehold in Sri Lanka”; “Ram Sethu is the answer to the genuine demand for Tamil Eelam”; “What if the LTTE ties up with the LeT, the ISI and Asif Zardari?” and “Mr Kalaignar, please return to the NDA (and bring Naveen with you)”.
Bigg Boss. The Indian version of Big Brother involves throwing together a bunch of diverse and incompatible people and seeing if they can live in harmony while navigating the landmines of philosophical differences. Exactly like running a coalition government. There will be sniping, there will be tears, there will be threats, and there will cash-for-votes, but at the end of it, the electorate weeds out the undeserving one by one, and the last man standing is declared PM. You’d think Manmohan has an advantage having already been PM, but wasn’t he basically number two to Sonia? That’s not unlike Advani being number two to A B Vajpayee.
With Arjun Singh invalid and Pranab Mukherjee already confessed to intellectual inferiority, the contest is evenly poised.
Indian Idol. You may think this competition unfair since, as the spouse-in-chief proudly points out, most Idol winners are from the Northeast. Manmohan Singh is also from the Northeast, as he has been Rajya Sabha MP from Assam since 1991, and his devotion to Sonia Gandhi parallels that of another Assamese, Dev Kanta Barooah, to Sonia’s mother-in-law: “Indira is India and India is Indira”. But hold on. Can Manmohan’s squeaky Emotional Attyachar really outdo Advani’s raspy Mera joota hai Japani (possibly in rap, to attract younger voters)? The tech-savvy BJP machinery can carpet-bomb all Internet and SMS polls and neutralise any Manmohan advantage.
Fear Factor – Pakistan. This is one of those shows filled with thrills, chills and spills, not unlike India’s foreign policy. We choose as the venue our western neighbour since both Manmohan and Advani were born there (yes, yes, they were born before it became a separate country, but we’ll overlook such technicalities).
Searching for Maulana Masood Azhar is akin to a treasure hunt amid deathly perils. The Taliban are 100 kms from Islamabad and closing in, and that’s your ticking clock. Asif Ali Zardari’s refusal to apply his mind to his country’s economic, water and political crises is similar to driving off a cliff into the Taliban- run Swat Valley, or driving into the Arabian Sea.
Whoever solves the 26/11 Mumbai attack before Pakistan disintegrates will be adjudged winner. Advani may seem to have the edge, given how he’s pumping iron on camera and how he ingratiated himself to the local population in 2004 by singing praises of M A Jinnah.
Remember, though, Manmohan has had heart surgery, so he’s also prepared.
This should be more effective than a mind-numbing debate. Think of Indians rich and poor, urban and rural, young and old, glued to their TV sets; think of the increased participation by the apathetic middle-class in our carnivalesque electoral process. And if the voters’ minds are already made, as many of us suspect, then not even an outsourced IPL tournament will beat it for sheer entertainment. So bring on the cheerleaders, restrain the shoe-throwers, and let the games begin
editorchief@epmltd.com
About The Author:
Aditya Sinha is the Editor-in-Chief of The New Indian Express and is based in Chennai