I have this hazy memory of my mother coming in to my bedroom and tearfully telling us that the Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi had been assassinated. I remember not being quite sure what to do with this news, as at the time we were living outside India, and I didn’t really know who he was.
Perhaps I asked how he died, but I can’t recall any other conversations about the matter. It is the only memory I have of bad news being delivered that wasn’t regarding family or friends. I was 11 at the time.
My older son is 11, and in the last week alone we have discussed the fires in Amazonia, Kashmir, deforestation in the name of mining and bullet trains and why sometimes people commit suicide. More bad news in a week than in my first 11 years on the planet. How did it come to this?
It’s not like we sit down and say ‘Right! Today we’re going to discuss Article 370!’ Or ‘Mental illness in young people after breakfast, anyone?’ They read things in the paper over our shoulders, hear things in school and in what can truly be called a superhero power, hear things sitting in another room while watching Super Girl on full volume.
And yet they cannot hear my multiple requests to take a shower when we’re in the same room.
These conversations happen when I least expect them to, so I am always caught unawares and spend a good few minutes trying to stop gawping, put together a cogent response or secretly Google one. Here are a few things I’ve learned that may be of help.
Never say ‘You don’t need to know about that’ to your child. Ever. No matter how young they are. (Unless of course they want to know how old you are.) There is always a way to explain things to your child in a way that they will understand and that is age-appropriate. Also, our kids are much smarter than we give them credit for.
If you don’t know the answer, admit it. If you say ‘I’ll find out and tell you’ do it. Or even better, do the finding out with your children. This will help model what good ‘finding out’ looks like. Hint: the answer is not on that WhatsApp forward your uncle sent to the group.
If they are scared or sad, don’t say ‘Don’t be scared or sad. It will all be okay.’ This not only devalues what they’re feeling, but also, I think we can all safely acknowledge that a few thing sare not going to be okay.
Read together. I’ve rarely not found a book for children that doesn’t have answers or soothe worries. You’ll probably feel a whole lot better yourself.
Encourage them to think of solutions. I read a great article recently which said that rather than ask our kids ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ we should ask ‘What problems do you want to help solve?’
Because, God knows we need solutions better than the ones we have come up with. And if anyone knows what to do about the ‘who put these idiots in charge?’ look in our children’s eyes, I’d love to know.