BENGALURU: In the last week, there were the Assembly Elections, the RBI Governor quit his job, and a Metro pillar shook the foundations of faith in the Bangalore Metro. But the one news that caught the imagination of the online world was that of a food delivery executive mooching food off a customer’s order.
I tried explaining the incident to my grandmother, but little did I realise the quagmire I was getting into. She is aware that restaurants deliver food to customers, but I had to explain the workings of an app. I actually enjoy breaking down technology for her.
When I showed her the video of the executive eating the food, she was more concerned that he didn’t drink water! The discussion veered into the marshy territory of cooking one’s own food. This is a topic that my relatives have been trying to force-feed me for years now, and one that I have adeptly avoided.
Personally, I find cooking to be a waste of time. But I can’t say this to my relatives, for it might come off as condescending and insensitive. Through 32 years of my existence, I have only learnt to prepare three items - omelette, salad and smoothie.
My philosophy of cooking is that it should be made with easily available items, and shouldn’t take more than five minutes to prepare. Born and brought up in a strict vegetarian household, I find the act of preparing an omelette to be an act of rebellion. When I crack the eggshell, I feel like I’m cracking society’s draconian beliefs.
The smoothie is another favourite, since all I need to do is dump ingredients into a mixer and blend them all together. Any disparity in taste is handled by adding dollops of honey - and everything is good with the world again. I explain all of this to my grandmother, only for her to ask me the question – what about taste? How can I eat the same thing over and over again?
In a world of foodies and culinary experts, I am part of a small minority who can eat and survive on anything. I once lived for nearly a year on muesli and oats, and felt no shortage of joy in life at all. It’s a concept that my grandmother cannot wrap her head around, as she has spent her life cooking for her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Which is why she treats my situation like a disability.
I have thought about my lack of interest in food in general too - and the only reason I can come up with is a far-fetched idea. Since our childhood, we are taught to use oral hygiene products - for our teeth, gums and tongue.
Now, our teeth are created to last for years - even after our death, our bones and teeth last for a number of years. What do we get for our teeth? Soft micro-bristles perforated at the right angles so they can reach every nook and corner of your teeth! You’d assume you’re at the edge of the next scientific revolution!
And then we have the tongue - soft, sensitive, home to thousands of taste buds, several nerve endings. And what do we get for our tongue? This metal tongue cleaner created from the remains of Aurangzeb’s sword! A metal cleaner that has wiped out all of my taste buds.
Which is why when the ads ask me - Does your toothpaste have salt in it? I reply ‘May be it does. But thanks to your metal tongue-cleaners, I’ll never really know!’.
(The author is a writer and a comedian)