BENGALURU:There have been a few celebrity relationships that have been in the news for a while now, each of which has partnered an unusually large age gap between the partners. It is not a new phenomenon, and even though partners tend to be somewhat close in their years, it is not at all uncommon to have significant age differences.
A couple of generations ago, it was de riguer to have about 10 to 15 years between spouses, and even now, in most arranged scenarios a two to five year age gap is not uncommon at all.So, what is the general age difference one might date, without it causing a stir? A 20-year-old dating a 40 year-old might get talked about a lot, lot more than a 40-year-old dating a 60-year-old. Is there a general thumb-rule that could guide us on the social appropriateness of a relationship?
Turns out there is something of a thumb-rule. It is called the ‘two and nine rule.’ You take your age, divide by two and add nine. That’s the general minimum age a person of your age can date without generally causing a stir. So, if you are 40, then if anybody you are interested in is younger than 29, you might get judged for it. On the older side, you subtract nine from your age and multiply by two. If you are 29, subtract seven and multiply by two and you get 40. Anything under or over these norms, then the persons in that relationship might face snide comments of cradle-snatching, or gold-digging as the case maybe.
Reality doesn’t quite follow these rules.
For one, it is not a uniform playing field across all genders. For another, legal norms are based on a certain cut-off point, and it doesn’t matter once you are over that – you can date anybody over that age limit.
There is no science to the two and nine rule.
The logic, such as it is, is based on what age you think one can date your peers. Going by the two and nine rule, people under 18 just can’t date anyone younger, of course, and those who are 21 could date between 19.5 and 24. If the age of consent was lower at say 14, you could change the math to the ‘two and seven rule,’ then people as young as 14 can be dating their own age but not older or younger. People who are 21 can date between 18.5 and 28 years old.
Further-more, these ‘rules’ are lopsided based on the genders of the people involved, or the races of the two, or many other social divides. If you look at it from that lens, there is not just no science, but there is limited logic as well. It really is only a game to play over a social evening to tease your friends.
One just hopes that the teasing doesn’t become bullying, just because a relationship is different from general social norm.
The author is a counselor at InnerSight