Would Rather Be Seen Than Be Salivated Over

How can positive traits like strength, independence and candour in women be anything other than desirable?

Published: 09th November 2015 06:00 AM  |   Last Updated: 09th November 2015 06:00 AM   |  A+A-

CHENNAI: Strong women intimidate boys and excite men’. There is an image of a woman wearing a tank top with these words on it that has been doing the rounds on the social network recently. It’s a glamour shot – an ad for the American clothing company that sells the top. But the line is so powerful that the image, free of branding, has gone viral.

Is it cocky? Only if you’re someone who hides behind the idea that people fear you, like a little creepy-crawly that casts a looming shadow. But for most people for whom the line strikes a chord, particularly straight women, it appeals not so much to the ego as to the never-not-broken heart.

No one gets to be strong without first having been shattered. The Japanese have a beautiful artform, kintsugi, in which a lacquer of powdered gold is used to repair cracked pottery, rendering an object more beautiful not despite but because of its brokenness. Some of us are thus now made almost entirely of gold.

S h a ra n ya.jpgI wish I had a rupee for every time someone said to me, as though it was some major insight they were offering me, “I think men are just afraid of you.” (I’d always have exact by-the-meter change for autorickshaws then). But what does the “just” in “just afraid” really mean? It’s a word that seeks to paint as obvious what is in fact an imbalance, a reflection of the disturbing reality that empowered women are punished, most of all, in the arena of personal relationships. How can a positive trait like strength – and attendant qualities like ambition, success, independence and candour – be anything other than desirable?

When a man, especially in a romantic context, is put off by a woman’s strength, it is not because he isn’t sure he can handle a life that demands more of him (he will invariably say that as he conveys his regrets). It’s because he actively prefers to not try. The kind of woman he is not afraid of is the one he will choose. She is not weak. But she is always afraid of him.

The truth is, fear does excite weak men – her fear, that is.  But I think of all the times I have held the beverage before me with slightly shaking hands, lowering my eyes as I received the condescension of being told or showed that I am too strong to love, and I can tell you – of course there was fear then. And despair. And anger. But when I finally raised my chin, the only emotion they’d register would be the last – scary lady!

I reject the idea that I am too difficult to love. And if that means being rejected by anyone less than my perfect equal, then so be it. (Why try, why not do the rejecting first? Well, that’s what really separates the weak from the strong).

I’d add a clause to the quote on the tank top. That bit about exciting men? Boring, and easy. Anyone – intimidating or otherwise – knows this. I’d rather be seen, not just salivated over. I’d rather be understood than craved. Of course I want to excite you (it would add another crack to my gold-filigreed heart if I didn’t) – but just as much, I want to challenge you, to learn from you, to provoke your sense of purpose, to stimulate in you – just as there is in me – an insatiable appetite for life.

(The Chennai-based author writes poetry, fiction and more)

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