HYDERABAD: Bullying. A term you thought is applicable only to high-school students? Well, you need to scrutinise the ‘great Indian family’ scene closely to understand that it exists even within bonds of blood. What might seem petty initially can turn into exploitation later given the victim learns to stay quiet and thinks it’s okay to allow other family-members to control their lives even to the extent of sacrificing the fruits of their hard work. And the bully in the family can be anyone: parents, siblings or even grandparents. They can be serial bullies who define their traits through control of the victim which can be control of finances, control of choice of work, control of movements, control of which friends to choose and even what to think! This is to snatch power from the victim to empower the oppressor.
Bullying begins in the guise of demand of respect i.e., the harsh words or constant criticism or demand of money masqueraded as ‘God’s command’ to a child to his/her parents. Most of the times, it’s the women who end up being bullied even till late in their lives. Sample this: Amina Rasool, 36, from the city ended up in a psychiatric clinic with just `2,000 in her bank account. It all began at her home. Being a fourth child among five sisters and one brother, she was more than unwanted by her parents given her dark complexion combined with ‘oh-no-another-girl’ trauma.
It was her mother who would pass snide remarks on her looks answering which she was labelled as rude. Later, when she took to work while she was just a fresher she was made to feel guilty for spending the money on herself. “I began contributing 80 percent of my salary to the family as dad’s salary wasn’t enough to run a family of eight. Later, I took a lot of house work in my hands. After coming back from work I’d wash dishes, cook and serve food. Late in the night I’d study for my masters. I did things beyond my capacity to win the love of my family especially my mother,” she shares. But there would be constant nagging even from her siblings who’d side with the mother.
Later, she was asked to take a loan for the family which she did. Yet, her mother wouldn’t be satisfied and found faults with everything that she did, spoke or observed. Another thing that her mother did was to set up other siblings against each other. “Whenever I confronted this political move of her and questioned her, she’d say I’m insulting her, disobeying the command of God and would be punished in my afterlife. She even alleged me of having an evil eye affecting my brother’s health. I couldn’t take it any longer and moved with my elder sister living with her husband and kid,” she adds.
More troubles came her way as later she started contributing a large share of her salary to her sister. The pattern followed and much of the housework fell on her shoulders. “I’d feel guilty not giving them money because my brother-in-law wasn’t in a well-paying job. Sometimes I’d just keep `2,000 for myself and give them the rest of the amount. My sister was another avatar of my mother. In cruel ways, she’d mock my looks, sneer at my almost-orphan like situation.
I hadn’t saved any money and whatever savings I had my parents took through the joint account. At the same time, I’d series of failed relationships and lost my job. Nobody supported me and I ended up in the mental hospital,” she shares. She had started doubting herself and falsely believed that whatever went wrong in the family was because of her in some way. Now, she’s being taken care of by another friend who helps her get the counselling.
In a similar case parents didn’t allow her daughter to get married because she was the bread-winner of the family. Shares the victim 26-year-old Nirupa, “They used to beat me if I didn’t contribute money or didn’t act the way they wanted me to act. I ran away from my home in Gurgaon and took shelter in Hyderabad through a friend, who helped me find a job.” She isn’t earning big money but has taken a room on rent and is undergoing therapy. “I used to be so fearful of everything thinking that I’m responsible for the bitterness of my parents, what I didn’t realise is that I was being bullied mentally and as an act of respect, I wasn’t supposed to stand up against them. This was breaking me and one day I just left leaving a text,” she shares with a sigh.
But why commanding respect is used as a tool of bullying by families especially the parents? Explains Alefiyah Hussain, city-based counsellor and senior teacher, “It’s power-play as the bully in the family gains a sense of control over situations/victims by manipulating them in the name of respect. Indian family system is pretentious which instills a sense of fearfulness towards parents even when they are wrong. What happens is that emotions are manipulated.
And since people are religious, the bully easily gets his/her own way. Making family members quarrel with each other reinstates a sense of power within them.” Sometimes it boomerangs. When the bullies get older the bullied child takes control and uses it against them as elderly persons become prone to exploitation, plus it gives the victim-turned-bully a sense of satisfaction. The cycle is often repeated.
What the doc says
Says Dr Prabhakar Korada psychiatrist, “The bullying parents are yesteryear’s bullied children. They don’t know a way out and unleashe their bottled angst on their own children thinking it’s a justifiable act.” What happens is that being a family member the bully parent wins the trust of the victim and later projects him/her as irresponsible/unstable/uncaring/person which is highly confusing and can severely damage the self-esteem of the victim.
The sense of reality blurs; fabrication of facts instills unstable thought patterns in people. The only way out, says Alefiyah Hussain, “Stand up! Speak for yourself. Fight. Don’t tolerate bullying. Tell your family members that they are wrong.” That’s how Alefiyah adds, “I have seen many women emerge as strong individuals fill the darkness with light. Believe me it’s all done by ‘yourself’.”