I envy my parents. And grandparents.
Unlike our generation, they did not have to bring up children. The children just grew up. When they wanted to scold them, they could. Same went for punishment, too. They didn’t have to prove they were good at parenting.
In this millennium, parenting, I am sure, is not meant to be an easy job. We fuss over our kids like mad and then crib about them being fussy. We give them too many choices and when they pick and choose, mostly overriding us, we accuse them of being self-opinionated.
Every generation has its own folly and ours appears to be obsession with parenting. Blame Piaget and Freud for that. Children are made out to be some fragile material, to be handled with care, lest we scar them for life.
“Don’t push her into anything she dislikes” seems to be the first mantra. I can never think of a single incident where I was consulted before any crucial decision affecting me was taken. We never thought of defying the parent’s wish. Everything boiled down to destiny.
Now, destiny is in your hands. Children are different. They are born to ask “why”. They need explanation and then time to think. Depression, helplines, counseling and what not stare at you. You let her have her way. In the bargain you at times get a condescending look from some lucky mothers whose children with better sense have opted for professional courses. And who knows, after 10 years, the same daughter may ask you why you didn’t advise her properly!
Yet we never learn the lesson, for, by now we are conditioned for life. The truth finally dawns on you that nowadays parenting is 75% facilitating and 25% mentoring. As for settling down, your definition and your child’s simply don’t match. Sometimes a bug called innovation bites and he might decide to quit a well-paying, steady job and try his hand at so many things at the same time. His confidence scares you. The resultant uncertainty unsettles you.
But, as a good parent, you aren’t expected to discourage him. So, you continue to be his cheerleader, inwardly alert but outwardly nonchalant, brushing aside all doubts and misgivings with a wave of hand. Travelling through the road not taken comes easy to him while you are caught between love and practical sense. Love wins.
We experienced all this and much more when our son—an engineer-cum-MBA—did a Chetan Bhagat. They tell us we have been marvellous parents to support him and let him go. We are hailed as New Gen “progressive” parents.
But I wonder: is it so simple? At his book launch, our son presented a signed copy to us, hinting at what he went through: “To my dearest Appa & Amma, the things I do to prove your faith in me!” I feel like adding: “Yes, and the things we do to keep your faith in you…”
After reading this, my daughter, with two kids, including a teenaged son, quips: “Haha, but there were some portions more relevant to our generation as parents, Amma.”
One cap fitting all? In that case I stand corrected: parenting is never meant to be easy.