Not everyone has to care about clothes. And that’s okay, because we have enough bloodsucking fashion people in this world already. But I just find it very amusing and ironic that the people who have the biggest ‘PASSSHUN 4 FASHON’ are more often than not, horrid dressers. These are the lost souls wandering around aimlessly from accessory to accessory, till they regain consciousness and realise that they are wearing 20 rings, three pashmina shawls and have a dead bird sticking out of their hair. My first instinct is to blame Rachel Bilson, because everything is somehow always Rachel’s fault. If for some reason you decide that you don’t want to put a decent outfit together, here are some tips on how to become a terrible dresser.
Having a job in fashion communication would be ideal, because it allows you to be close to the fashion world without actually being a part of it. It will also give you the delusion that you KNOW fashion because you work in it. Wear lots of sun dresses and combat boots. Go to a Michael Kors store that sells keychains and buy out the entire store. Channel the following looks: Misha-Barton-in-a-psych-ward, The-only-thing-I’ve-eaten-in-five-days-is-my-ADD-medicine-and-xanax, Don’t-panic-my-dress-is-organic, Where-downtown-meets-suburban-meltdown. If you don’t know what these looks are, then congratulations! You either don’t give a shit about fashion (hi, why are you still reading this?) or you actually know how to dress.
Spend a ridiculous amount on lounge wear and call your yoga pants couture. Say things like, “Everybody in this world needs a Prada moment.” Speak Rachel Zoe and Tyra Banks and think you ‘totally get’ style because you watch their shows. Let’s not get you started on Lauren Conrad, so classic chic!
Choose any one of two style directions: Goth queen on coke or loud, pink cake-topping girl on coke. Whichever you pick, know that you will always be on coke with a look that basically screams, “I’m going to eat your soul instead of a cheese burger because, calories!!!”
Be resentful, look terribly unfriendly and terrify everyone. Read soooooooo many fashion blogs. Fashion, fashion, fashion. Intern at a fashion magazine three days a week. Fashion, fashion, fashion. Bonus points if you call yourself multi-faceted. “I can talk about James Joyce but also talk about the fall 2006 Karl Lagerfeld line, you know?”
(People like this were clearly not hugged enough when they were children. They wouldn’t be prancing around wearing a faux dead dog as their outfit if they were. But thats okay. This is why we love them, right?)
(The writer is a reporter with TNIE, a hopeless romantic who loves to read, and would like a bottle of wine attached to an IV)
saumya chawla @meoowbox