Are you a serial bangs considerer? Do you either have them, (during which you mostly wish you didn’t have them) or are you sitting around thinking about getting them cut? Has the bang-itch been strong recently? It’s totally justified, because why wouldn’t you want to feel like you’re constantly being stabbed in the eyeballs by wispy pieces of hair till it reaches the awkward growing-out stage?
Amusingly enough, Kristen Bell’s husband Dax Shepard recently tweeted, “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to “get bangs” every other month. (sic.)” Maybe it is a man’s job to do so, but sometimes (read: most times) men don’t do their job, sometimes they are powerless against the bang-itch and sometimes you’re single. Well, when life gives you lemons…
I don’t think I’m still completely over growing out my bangs from when I was in the second grade. I think there are still pictures of it somewhere… dark memories from my poorly-buried past with tales of uneven hair and months of hiding my growing-out fringe under stretchy cloth hairbands which matched my stretchy cotton dresses.
I don’t understand it. Why do French girls look so chic and cool while I ended up looking like Matilda? Do I blame the patron saint of fringes, Brigitte Bardot? To me, bangs will always be the adult version of a bowl cut — no matter how long the rest of your hair is. How do they manage to look frizzy and flat at the same time???
Yes, Zooey Deschanel looks adorable and twee with her fringe. Are you as adorable and twee as Zooey Deschanel? Do you have a hair stylist on call at ALL times to make sure your bangs are always as adorable and twee and well-styled as Zooey Deschanel’s? Fringes cut off your face, make you look childlike and sad, make your forehead break out — so you hide it with more bangs, which makes the entire situation worse. It’s an unhealthy cycle. They also almost always hide your eyes, bring out your nose, and throw all your proportions off.
Don’t even get me started on the growing out process. It almost always happens unevenly, and soon after realising that this was a terrible idea — you find yourself in a committed relationship with bobby pins. Then a well-meaning but misguided friend comes along, tells you she knows just the right way to style them and convinces you to let her trim them. Maybe you’ll even learn to tease the hair on the crown of your head a little bit — so you look like a cross between a stoner chick and a Wes Andersen film. It doesn’t work, and welcome — you’re back in bang hell all over again!
(The writer loves to over-share, drink wine and watch period dramas)