Okay, okay I’ll come out with it: my boyfriend’s bathroom makes me want to snotty-sob forever; because nothing really makes me sadder than an unused bathtub.The Tub’s Stupid Plug???” I yelled at him a few months back.
He mumbled something back about not being bothered to look for it. “Hmm, it’s been missing for a while,” he casually shrugged. It amazes me how he stays so calm in the face of a calamity.
I stared at him — half dazed, half in disbelief — as if he had just told me that he thought that zoo in Japan where you could hold otters’ hands was a stupid idea. (It is an OUTSTANDING idea!) The stare turned to a condescending look…and you know what really makes your judgemental looks of disagreement pop? False eyelashes, thank me later.
Moving on. I obviously understand if you’re not taking baths cause you don’t have one. And I imagine that tubs are a pain to clean. (Though it is arguable that everything is generally a pain in the bum to clean) That being said, it is clear now that my boyfriend has no excuse, and his unused tub would rather have plants growing in it or something — can’t you tell that I’m just so sad?!
There is no respite from it; as he also insists that I don’t use tubs at hotels. “Don’t take a bath here, you don’t know if it’s been cleaned or who’s used it before and germs and contractual diseases and death and green stuff.” (You see… long-term relationships give you the right to paraphrase very loosely.)
Life is hard. So if you’ve been following my work, you’d have probably realised by now that I live life with an abnormal fear of a few simple everyday things — including spiralling staircases, pigeons, and breaking my skull open in a slippery shower. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again — the entire situation just seems like an inevitable Buzzfeed article headline: “Brain juice everywhere! Woman bleeds to death in shower, sources say she does not feel like a goddess.”
Which brings me to warm baths; where you can splash around in bubbles, your own filth and stuff — and not die. I absolutely love the L’Occitane almond paste and those cute Bare Essential’s bath sponges… They’re so magical! And they look so old-school and not plastic and not creepy… like so many of those loofahs that *don’t come in packaging* do. (WHY?)
Also, baths are great for your skin! Your pores open up and say hello, it puts you in this uber zen meditative zone, and bath time is also great for putting on a face mask… and contemplating murder. It’s perfect! Light a candle, pour the (fifth) glass of wine, sprinkle some rose petals or whatever, and dive in! Self care is super vital for your physical and mental wellness, right?
While we’re here, did you know that taking baths with friends is normal in Monaco? Well at least according to what this European girl I met at college told me… Lastly: Why do you think my boyfriend loves vexing me so much? Oh wait, don’t answer that!
The writer loves to over-share, drink wine & watch period dramas