CHENNAI : I have a friend who can be described as a sensitive, socially conscious person. I have held him in high regard in all the time I’ve known him and hoped his intuitiveness rubs off on more people. Now this man, a champion of women’s rights, and cheerleader for ‘feminichi’ actor Parvathy insentiently tone policed a woman this week asking a woman co-worker to ‘calm down’ and ‘watch her voice’. His excuse? It was a high stress situation and he was dealing with too much.
An ‘Everyday Feminism’ comic describes ‘tone policing’ as a silencing tactic that works to derail a discussion by critiquing the emotionality of the message rather than the message itself. Hinging on the idea that emotion and reason cannot co-exist, tone policing is used to shut down women claiming that they are too loud or angry, and describing them as emotional or dramatic. We’ve all been there, saying or being told to ‘calm down’ in the middle of a conversation.
Interrupting women, urging them to move on from what they are trying to communicate, not listening as women speak only to raise doubts about the very same thing a few minutes later, pretending as if women are invincible and talking to the men alone are all other ways to silence women. A man so skilled that he has succeeded in inventing a non-male gaze for the camera appointed another man to explain a certain something to me. In another instance it was made clear that a woman dancer needed to be ‘pleasant looking’; her dancing itself was secondary.
I do know that a ‘woke’ man being casually sexist is as commonplace as a woman with a patriarch inside her (which is very often). So yes, I was faintly surprised but not entirely hurt when men I had looked up to dabbled in casual sexism. So casual in fact that if I tried to raise concerns I would come across as the fussy, problematic nitpicker — which by the way are yet more words that can be used to put a woman ‘in her place’.
Casual Sexism, including infantalising women and paternalising them is easy, especially for men. And Everyday Feminism, the opposite of casual sexism is hard work. Walking the talk can suck the sexist joy out of it, and I bet it’s difficult for the men who sign up to be feminist allies. The only way to find out if these otherwise woke men are on the feminist side of the fence for the long haul or for rubbing shoulders with the right sorts is by calling them in.
No, calling out has hurt too many of us, so we will call in, talk; explain ‘politely’, ‘ask’ for an explanation. The keepers are those who feel shame, don’t turn the table on us with choicest adjectives, don’t come up with excuses, apologise and commit to never doing the same again. And those who don’t wake up to be more woke honestly don’t matter; it’s only a bunch of brains that need to be washed clean. Well, they did say feminist witches. Or did I hear in rhyme?