This week, I complete ten years of being a parent and writing about parenting. I realise there’s very little by way of advice on how to raise well-adjusted children in this column. So, I thought that I would mark the milestone by sharing ten things I’ve learned about parenting in ten years.
● Don’t wear white. The chances of your children pooping, peeing, vomiting or throwing grape juice, mud, alphabet pasta soup at you when you are wearing white increases by 63.759%. Also, who do you think you are?
Jerry Hall?
● ‘This too shall pass’ can be applied to pretty much everything related to child rearing. Thumb sucking, refusing to give up the bottle, stubborn bowel movements.
● It’s okay to call your children bad words in your head. They can’t hear. No one can hear. The only person judging you for it is yourself. And hey, there are PLENTY of things on that list. What’s one more? A word of warning: sometimes you think you’re saying it in your head, but you’ve actually said it out loud. Kids may repeat those words in polite conversation and tell concerned members of society ‘Mommy taught me that.’ Mom, Dad, if you’re reading this. I didn’t say that to the kids. Honest. Not really. Maybe just the one time.
● Yes. Screens are changing our kids into mindless zombies who can’t tell the time on analog clocks or hold pencils. Very bad. However, if you are on the verge of a mental breakdown, need to use the toilet desperately or just want to surf questionable content on the internet alone for a few minutes, go ahead. What’s a few more minutes anyway? The damage has been done.
● This one is exclusively for the moms. Don’t ‘ask’ for help. Tell people what you would like them to do. A polite and firm: ‘I need you to give the kids a bath and put them to bed’ versus ‘Can you give the kids a bath and put them to bed before I keel over and die please?’
● Don’t assume your spouse is incapable, too stupid or helpless at child rearing. If they can manage a team of people at work, are allowed to make decisions that can affect the stock market/change the fate of a company/ unleash a catastrophic software virus, they can find a pair of socks that match for your kid.
● I’ve said this before, but I think it needs to be said again. Other parents lie. ALOT.
● Be friends with people who don’t have children. You can bitch about your kids as much as you want without being considered a monster.
● Be kind to yourself. I’m going to badly paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert here who on her podcast had this advice to offer to a listener: If a friend called you with a problem they were facing, how would you react? Would you say ‘Oh my god. You’re such a loser.’ or would you say ‘Hey don’t be so hard on yourself.’ Imagine you’re that friend and cut yourself some slack.
● Be prepared to: admit you’re wrong, eat your words, say ‘No’ and then say ‘Yes’ two seconds later.
Oh, and remember, everything seems so much better after a drink. Or three.
Menaka Raman
@menakaraman
The writer’s philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me