Hello! Hello! Did you miss me? Didn’t realise I’d even been gone had you? For those of you who have missed my fail-proof parenting tips, I’m back! Where have I been, you ask? Attending a face yoga retreat in a yurt in the Himalayas? Trying to find out where the Jade eggs I inserted to strengthen my pelvic floor disappeared to? Or just, busy being my usual amazing, Mother-of-the-Year self?
None of the above, sadly. Unless facial tics count as asanas. Even Google Maps can’t find the exact location of the Jade eggs. And my children refuse to take down the e-bay ad for ‘mother for sale’.
I have achieved precious little in the weeks I have been away, except this: What you want to say to inane WhatsApp messages, and what to say instead.
Message: Wooooow! The boys have grown so much! What are you feeding them?
What you really want to say: The small gremlins I spawned in a moment of foolishness have eaten their way through the contents of my kitchen like a swarm of hungry locusts. This sudden surge in appetite has resulted in the production of enough wind to power turbines for a century. This and their decision to stop using soap and toothpaste, have forced me to purchase a gas mask that should see me through the apocalypse.
What you say instead: Ha! Ha! Nothing da! Sambar rice only.
Message: He2018yy! It’s been ages! You have two boys? So brave! How DO you manage?
What you really want to say: I manage with copious amounts of alcohol, calming and meditation apps and digging my escape tunnel. I have a feeling that if I start today, I might reach Bali in a few years. #ShawshankingMyWayThroughMotherhood.
What you say instead: Hiiii! They are angles! #SoBlessed
Message: It’s been aaaaaages! What are d boyz into these days?
What you really want to say: The boys have mastered the art of selective hearing and vision through intense meditation and ignoring me. They believe this is a fool-proof way to not doing things. If a mother is nagging you in an empty forest, is she really nagging you?
What you say instead: Oh! They are really into tennis and cricket! #LilChamps
Message: Life is just busy, busy, busy. What about you? Let’s catch up sooon when I have a slot in my calendar!
What you really want to say: It’s amazing that you even had the time to type this message out! I consulted my calendar, and I have a slot available on January 1st, 3030. Our frozen brains can communicate with each other through whatever social networking site Mark Zuckerberg’s frozen brain has invented for frozen brains. See you then!
What you say instead: Can’t wait! LMK.
Message: Saw your dp! Looking so tired. Is everything ok?
What you really want to say: Thank you for your fake concern. I lost a pair of pelvic floor strengthening Jade Eggs inside myself last week. It’s exhausting looking for them. I might have to send in a search and rescue team soon.
What you say instead: Thank you SO much for looking out for me. #NeedAHoliday.
The writer’s philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me