Dear Commissioning Editor,
Parenting. It’s the hardest job in the world, right? Not being a firefighter or a rectologist or the Leader of the Free World’s hairstylist… nope. Parenting. And despite all the books, columns, blog posts, tweets, Facebook rants and research articles that show just how difficult, exhausting, economically debilitating, environment destroying and happiness draining being a parent is — people just keep doing it! To tap into this market I’d like to pitch the following book ideas to your esteemed publishing house.
#Sleep and #Productivity: Make parenting induced insomnia work for you!
First you’re nursing them, then you’re changing their diapers, then you’re looking for monsters under the bed, then you decide to have another one, then they’re in high school and haven’t come home yet from a party, then they’re in college and aren’t telling you if they have enough clean underwear. Instead of trying to find ways to sleep, this book will tell parents to embrace their insomnia and use the extra hours they have in the day to their benefit. The book will interview 25 parents who survive and thrive on as little as 3 hours of sleep a night and have used the new time to answer emails, re-organise the pantry and troll non-parents on Twitter.
Inactive parenting: How to play dead like a possum.
Animals have been playing dead for years now to get predators to leave them alone. This new groundbreaking book teaches parents how this technique can be used to get children to leave them alone. Are you being invited to yet another doll’s tea party where you will have to wear a ridiculous hat and sip non-existent hot beverages? Are you being asked to play yet another round of UNO? Are your children screaming about how they can’t find socks anywhere? Play dead. This book interviews 25 animals at the top of their playing dead game.
#YOLO #WOKE #SMH: 365 hashtags deciphered
Do you think woke is the past tense of wake? That SMH stands for the Sydney Morning Herald? Were you under the impression that YOLO was a cool new urban development filled with artisanal cheese shops? Parents can now combat their teenagers’ vigorous eye-rolling and stay up-to-date with all the new abbreviations and their correct meanings. #FTW.
#IWokeUpLikeThis: Kitchen makeup secrets for the new parent
Did your baby just spit raspberry puree on you? Blend it into your cheeks for a rosy, I-just-worked-out glow! Cheerios in your hair can be arranged to look like adorable hair clips, and make a useful on-the-go snack! Bacon strips can be cooked to match your skin tone and conceal under-eye-circles! Why waste money on makeup when you can just use what’s in your kitchen to look good? (Comes with a monthly subscription box of raw bacon)
Mom Jeans: A sneak peek into the wardrobes of parents!
Who says you can’t look hot post-baby? Nursing bras as outerwear, spit up crafted to look like shoulder embellishments (so military chic!) and hoodies that hide bad hair days — it’s all in here! 25 #fashionablemoms spill the beans!
I look forward to hearing a positive response from you soon. Till then, I will be silently screaming into a pillow.