Do you feel like an utter failure as a parent? When your children do and say things that can only be termed Satanic, do you blame your poor parenting skills? My advice? Don’t waste your time trying to fix things. Your children are a lost cause. There’s no helping them. That’s now the job of their future therapist. However, you can redeem yourself by becoming a dog parent. Get things right with your fur baby, and become the parent your children have denied you the right to be.
Were your human offspring ungrateful little brats who spat out every mouthful of lovingly prepared avocado and broccoli puree? Here’s the amazing things about dogs: they will eat anything! Newspapers, shoes, charging wires, plastic spoons, bras — all of these and more will be welcomed with the enthusiasm your child usually reserves for Swiggy.
Did your kids take forever to potty train? Did you buy them special books to read on the potty? Make up songs? Create a sticker chart? And they were still wearing pulls up in kindergarten weren’t they? Dogs are easier to toilet train! You just have to praise them with a special phrase every time they poop or pee in the place you want them to and after that they will pee on command! Standing on the side of the road squealing ‘Good Peeeeee’ and jumping up and down in a slightly demented fashion is so much easier than reading ‘P is for Potty’ on loop till your mutinous toddler drops a small load that will seem as precious as gold from El Dorado.
Parenting is all about being fully present in the moment so that you’re there to catch each and every thing your child says and does and store it away for posterity and Instagram. With dogs it’s much easier. Take for example a walk in the park. With your child, you’ll have to listen to them prattle on about flowers and Pokemon and birds. And answer questions like ‘Why is the sky blue?’ (Tip: Choose from a)We pay your school to answer those questions b) Do I look like Alexa?) With dogs, all you have to do is intermittently say ‘Gooood boy!’ ‘Gooood girl!’ And if you want to mix it up you can ask ‘Whoooo’s a good boy?’ Chances are they will be doing one of the following: peeing, sniffing other dogs’ pee, sniffing another dog’s poo, sniffing another dog’s butt, humping a lamp post. All of which can be responded to with one of the above phrases. In return they will reward you with a loving lick. Which may be laced with the pee and poop of a canine.
New research shows that post-baby sleep loss could plague mom and dad for up to six years. But dogs? Dogs LOVE to sleep! You don’t need to push them like a mindless zombie in their stroller or drive around the block with them! You don’t need to sing My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean till you want to rip out your own vocal cords. Dogs will just find a comfortable place and go to sleep in a matter of seconds. That place just may be your face.
So adopt a dog today and become a pet parent. Statutory Warning: Don’t get a cat. None of these things work on cats. You’re better off sticking to the human kids.