The guilt of murder weighs me down

The other day, I killed an ant which was wandering near a bottle of honey in my kitchen.

The other day, I killed an ant which was wandering near a bottle of honey in my kitchen. As I stared at the dead ant, an unexpected series of thoughts arose in me. Some ants may have been waiting for it to come back. Could be its queen mate. And the children too. They would be worried as the hours passed. Did any other ant see what I did? And rush to inform the ant colony? The colony must have cursed me as they shed tears. 

Death can be so random for ants, especially when they are wandering inside houses. On that morning, its queen mate could have said, “I am not feeling good that you are going hunting for food in houses. Why not a garden or a park?”
It would have consoled her, and said, “Don’t worry, I will be careful.” But unfortunately, he ran out of luck.

There was a cockroach that lived inside a drawer that contained glasses and plates. But it was always cautious. Whenever I pulled opened the drawer, it would not be seen anywhere. 
But, one day, by accident, its guard was down and it came out in the open when I was there. 
I took a duster and hit it hard. It looked shocked as it lay on its back, its legs punching away, like  it was riding a bicycle. Then the life ebbed away. However, I could not escape a feeling of guilt and sorrow. 
Once when I was travelling from the coastal town of Mararikulam to Kochi, in a cab, a cockroach showed up behind the driver’s seat. A colleague, who was with me, let out a scream, shook her hands, as if saying, ‘go away’.

The shaken driver stopped the cab immediately, came to the back and managed to flick the cockroach outside, without killing it.

Now imagine the mental state of this cockroach. Thrown out on a busy highway, without any GPS, far away from  home, what was it going to do now?

Would it be able to locate a colony of cockroaches nearby? Or was it going to wander around, feeling helpless and fearful? The terrain was new and strange. 

Dangers could lurk anywhere. For peace of mind, we should follow the tenets of ahimsa: Do not injure, abuse, oppress, enslave, insult, torment, torture or kill any creature or living being.

Shevlin Sebastian

Email: shevlins@gmail.com

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