Flor Lobo* has been great friends with Tara*. However, it’s always been one-sided, as Tara shares, and Flor is forced to listen. When Flor called out this excessive need to overshare, Tara was antagonistic but later admitted it. Enter floodlighting—often done to influence emotions, test loyalty, and engineer closeness. It is counterintuitive and does not help foster genuine connections.
Who are floodlighters?
Individuals who cannot emotionally regulate themselves are needy and extremely dependent. They have low self-esteem and insecurity, and are often fragile in seeking validation and approval. They find ways to accelerate intimacy and gain sympathy. Pondicherry-based psychologist Dr Pulkit Sharma feels one has to recognise the phenomena. “Rely on your instincts. Talking frankly and honestly is absolutely normal and healthy on a first date or with friends. But if the other person talks endlessly about how horrible they are feeling and what bothers them, oblivious to how the recipient takes it, then it becomes a cause for concern. Rather than a dialogue, if you end up listening to a painful monologue, it means the person is disturbed, and it’s best to cut short the date and escape, as it is not beneficial.”
While each individual has varying levels of sharing and comfort, openness is the gateway to a wholesome relationship. Thus, sharing with a close friend or partner is healthy, yet floodlighting happens when heightened emotions are used to hotwire a relationship. When oversharing is driven by a need to gain validation and approval frequently, with no merit or relevance, it is floodlighting at its most vicious.
Floodlighting in love
For Jeevan Sagar, 23, his friends’ matchmaking led him to Rhea Ali, 18, an exuberant and happy-golucky college girl. Or so he thought. On their first date, the conversation went too deep. “She was extremely overfamiliar, brought up traumatic issues about her previous boyfriend and her father. I was concerned and listened. Though I was clear that I wanted an easy ‘getting to know each other’ phase,” recalls Jeevan, who dated Rhea for six months. When it became too heavy, he ghosted her. “To understand floodlighting, we have to see that the intentions behind this kind of sharing are multifaceted. Unfortunately for all of us who’ve done this, the response is normally the opposite of what we’re looking for. People recoil and shut down, compounding our shame and disconnection. You can’t use vulnerability to discharge your own discomfort, or as a tolerance barometer in a relationship, or to fast-forward a relationship — it just won’t cooperate,” says American academic and podcaster Brené Brown in a report.
Imposing too much
Floodlighters seek to experience intimacy quickly, however false it might be, and manipulate reciprocity. Mia Aliyah Makhija, a third-year law student, stays away from such interactions. “It’s gross emotional manipulation. The person uses vulnerability and sympathy to gain control in a relationship or tests an existing one. We all have either been victims or perpetrators,” adds Mia.
While sharing is true of most ordinary conversations, the difference lies in the intent, and clear lack of boundaries. Mia calls out trauma dumping (speaking of excessive trauma) or love bombing, “It includes talking about family issues with an acquaintance, too quickly. It opens up a new relationship to a deeper level of emotional familiarity that it isn’t ready for, creating an obligation for the recipient to respond and validate the doer (of the floodlighting),” Mia observes.
Most psychologists warn against enabling floodlighting. “If the recipient shows any positive response affirming the floodlighter’s state of mind, it exacerbates the situation. Positive empathetic response intensifies such behaviour. Soon, the recipient is burnt out,” warns Dr Sharma.
Often this leads to an imbalance, with one feeling overwhelmed or exploited, creating a false sense of intimacy which doesn’t reflect reality. Dr Manoj Sharma, professor, head of SHUT Clinic, Nimhans, says, “Find out the reason for oversharing. Gently call it out and address underlying issues. If you do not, the behaviour continues.”
If there is an overt need to share, talk to a close friend, family, or a therapist, or write in a diary. If unable to build and maintain relationships or dealing with trauma, it is best to consult a mental health expert.
According to Dr Manoj Sharma, here's how to deal with It
Recognise the behaviour
Find the reason behind the need to share
Redirect the conversation to a new topic
Be aware and mindful
*Names have been changed on request