Dear Dr K,
Who do you think should be the next Prime Minister of India and why?
Mahamantri Singh
Dear Mahamantri,
I wish you had at least given me a list of candidates whom I could choose from (and a list of their individual pros and cons to make my job easier). You have unhelpfully left your question open, which makes it impossible to answer it concisely.
For one thing, a prime minister cannot act alone. He/she is only one member in the cabinet of ministers, and while he is the most important minister he necessarily has to work as part of a team, and within the scope of the powers given to him by the Constitution. He will also have to work with, and fight through, the opposition he faces in Parliament, as that is what the opposition is for — not to act as a balance to the ideas of the ruling party and find agreeable solutions to take the country forward, but to act as a mindless uncompromising roadblock to ensure political stagnation.
The effectiveness of a prime minister, therefore, depends on a number of factors external to himself, and because of this it is meaningless to simply name some individual who might make the ‘ideal’ prime minister, because there is no such thing. What makes much more sense, since we’re speculating anyway, is to say who I think should be the next king and the sole dictator of the country.And the answer to that question, of course, is me.
Facing no resistance to my will, as the ruler of this country I will fix all the problems that have been plaguing us for decades in a jiffy.
First and foremost, in order to maintain power it will be necessary to quell all forms of dissent. This means any form of protest or negative commentary on my leadership will immediately be criminalised, whether it is on facebook or in the privacy of your mind (for which I will develop the technology). All dissenters will be branded enemies of the nation and sowers of discord.
Second, in order to keep the nation excited and terrified in equal measure, all criminals and enemies of the nation and those who annoy me will be publicly hanged. We are a bloodthirsty people, and watching public hangings will sate that bloodlust and reduce our regular propensity for rioting.
Third, I will fix corruption by making it illegal. Except for myself. I will be so corrupt that there won’t be enough corruption left to go around, like a rotten apple that absorbs all the rottenness from the fruit around it and contains it within itself.
Fourth, I will end the shameful problem of manual scavenging by talking about what a national shame it is and setting aside a large sum of money to deal with it.
Fifth, I will distribute free sweets to everyone and this will make everyone happy. I am aware of how difficult it is to create social justice and equity, so I will ensure that everyone under my rule is treated as poorly as possible in order that no one feels that I am being unfair to them. Men will not be allowed to carry cell phones or go out after dark or wear jeans.
Sixth, as part of the fifth measure, and in the interest of the environment, I will shut down all the power to the country.
With these measures and more, you can envision for yourself the glory and prosperity that we will experience if I were to be king and dictator of the country.
Yours questionably,
Dr K