Battling the Grief of Losing Someone

Once we understand the art of suffering, we will suffer less — Thich Nhat Hanh 

We experience an emotion termed grief when we are parted from a loved one to whom we are attached. It could be a family member or dear friend. Remember, it is natural to grieve given that being attached is natural among human beings. The reactions can impact us physically and emotionally, leaving us exhausted. If grief is not dealt with effectively it can become a mental health problem over time and come in the way of our functioning in day to day life. Recognising what is happening to us or to those around us can help us take care of ourselves better. What are the common reactions and responses when we lose someone?

• Shock, numbness, anger
• Loneliness, guilt feelings or regret
• Relief (if the person was ill for a long time)
• Inability to sleep, loss of appetite or difficulty in digesting food
• Tiredness, aches and pains 
• Crying a lot and tightness in the throat

Fear about the future and increased heart rate while thinking about it, sweating, confusion, difficulty making decisions, memory problems, poor concentration

We may not feel like meeting people and prefer shutting ourselves away from the world. Mourning the loss of the person is understandable and natural, and time is often a healer as it helps intense feelings fade out. We may take time off from studies/work and sometimes have difficulty meeting deadlines. There is a  danger of allowing things to pile up.

STAGES OF GRIEF have been identified and found to be common across cultures: Denial of the reality of the loss (not accepting it), anger over what happened (can be directed at others), bargaining either with yourself or a higher power (going back in time to postpone the inevitable), depression and overwhelming sadness (feeling helpless, drained out) and final acceptance and making peace with the loss (a calm phase and looking ahead to the future).

The five stages apply for many types of loss or negative life experiences such as a relationship break-up, job loss, or moving to another location.

DEALING WITH GRIEF through self–care is important to normalise our lives:

• Make small, daily decisions
• Maintain a daily routine as far as possible: Rest, exercise and eat a balanced diet
• Give yourself permission to feel sad, anxious, or angry
• Go easy on coffee, alcohol and tobacco
• Stay connected: Ask for support from persons close to you to promote stability and recovery. Seek professional help via counselling. 

According to Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese monk, “letting go” at the time of grieving does not mean letting go of memories, or forgetting about the person, or moving on with life as if nothing happened. Letting go means ‘no longer fighting against the reality of what is’. It means ‘choosing the path of least resistance and accepting, in full, the present set of circumstances in which we live so that we may emerge on a path of peace’. Perhaps we can include this understanding as part of self care.