I am not ashamed to admit that the Bollywood movie Aitraaz is one of my guilty pleasures. I watch the film every time it is on television, for not only do I find it highly amusing, I also find it interesting because it touches upon the fact that men too face sexual violence. Anyway, as I watched it today after a very long time, a particular line struck me for the first time. Annu Kapoor is Akshay Kumar’s lawyer, and is defending him against the attempt to rape charges filed against him by Priyanka Chopra — who I think plays the part of the evil temptress to perfection. Annu Kapoor stands up in court and says, “Aurat nadi ke samaan hoti hai...yadi apne kinaron ki maryada mein rahe, toh lati hai khushali...aur yadi apne kinaron ki maryada todh de, toh lati hai vinash (A woman is like a river. As long it stays within its boundaries, it brings happiness, but if it crosses them, it brings destruction).”
I laughed. Out loud.
Then again, he was merely echoing what we women have been taught since the time we were old enough to walk and talk. “Don’t sit like that, keep your legs together”, “Act like a lady”, “Don’t make a scene”. Moreover, once we’re old enough for “the talk”, kids in general are told that “sex is something very beautiful that happens between two people who love each other” (really?). But the difference is that girls are taught to grow inwards while boys are taught to grow outwards. That adds to a culture where women are ashamed of their bodies and their sexualities, which in turn leads to slut-shaming of any woman who desires any kind of a casual relationship. And I’ve seen this happen many times.
My sister is the most intelligent and driven person I know. She is living the life she dreamed of and is travelling the world and having experiences that I can only hope to have. Yet on a few occasions, I’ve received calls and messages from her, expressing a worry that people would judge her for not wanting to “settle down” or for wanting to go on casual dates. What does settling down even mean anyway? Just the presence of a husband? Or having two kids by the time you are 35?
My sister worries that maybe it is time she got married even though she doesn’t really want to. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing that someone like her would harbour such insecurities, and I tell her “You’re living it up in London for god’s sake, just have fun!” But it took me time to understand that this is exactly the kind of pressure society puts on us.
You can be ambitious but not so much that it scares a potential husband away, you can be sexy, but not too much, you can be outspoken, but not too much. This kind of pressure is what leads a woman who has a great job and a life in one of the most exciting cities in the world, to worry that people may think she’s “too slutty”.
Funnily enough, no man I know has ever had to go through such a thing. Men can date women who are young enough to be their daughters, and they will be hailed as sliver-haired foxes who still have wild oats to sow. On the other hand, any woman who is close to 30 and isn’t living in domestic bliss with a husband is doomed to be a sad spinster with only cats for company.
If you think I am exaggerating, sample this. I was once told by a relative that “girls these days” are so career-driven that they are getting married very late. The relative said, “26-27 koi age hoti hai?”
I am not trying to imply that I have a problem with women wanting to get married and having kids at any age. We should do whatever it is that makes us happy, and if you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, be it at 21, 40 or 60, then that’s great! What I do have a problem with is when women rush into marriage just because society thinks “it’s time”. Let’s try and unlearn these suffocating lessons we’ve been taught since we were little girls.
Settling down means different things to different people. Don’t let Renee Zellweger and rom-coms fool you into thinking you need someone to complete you. You are whole on your own. You are happy on your own. Your worth comes from within you. So no, we are not rivers that need to be contained. We are what we want to be.
— The author blogs at bicycle withoutafish.wordpress.com