Are you an Alien, a Predator or a Terminator? N peered into my computer screen and scoffed, “That’s easy. You are an alien.” N has always been a hapless victim of my quirks, and binging on personality tests is one of them.
I love to present myself as a subject for psychological tests. I have been taking them since the time they debuted on sites such as Emode and Tickle, and I continue to enjoy the random ones that appear on my Facebook wall today. The other day N caught me taking a test titled ‘What does the colour of your poop say about you?’ He walked away disgusted. In my defence, the test says a lot more about the employee who ideated it and the boss who approved it than the compulsive test taker! Buzzfeed claims that its recent personality test ‘Which city should you live in?’ has got the maximum hits in recent history.
Personality quizzes are the latest fad and the Internet is threatening to crash under them. From fascinating to downright asinine, these tests offer a window into our soul by slotting us in a category. ‘Who is your celebrity soul mate?’, ‘Which Greek god do you resemble?’, ‘Which Harry Potter character are you?’. You are Remus Lupin. Damn it, I wanted someone cooler. I retake the test, this time giving the answers more thought. Lupin again. I let it slide, nobody needs to know. I did get Derek Shepherd in the quiz ‘Which Grey’s Anatomy character are you?’, and that called for some serious flaunting.
Many would argue that these tests are meant to be flippant and do not require much thought or analysis. Agreed, given some of the questions are preposterous and have no connection with the test. The poop test, for instance, wanted to know my favourite sport! Also, shouldn’t we ask
our partner ‘how good you are in bed?’ or ‘where should your next tattoo be?’, than treat our computer as an Ouija board?
As the little dots circle our screen, busy calculating the test results, we wait, secretly hoping that it unravels facets our personality we never knew. We want to see if the arbitrary algorithm that some unsuspecting techie devised could unlock a hidden alter ego. We want to be the Dark Knight. Social media is notorious for swinging us like a pendulum. We either become supremely confident or wallow in self-doubt. These tests offer validation or dispel our fears. At the root of it lie the answers to deep sociological questions like what we think about ourselves and what we think others think of us. So when the pop window says that our ‘inner dog’ is a Golden Retriever, we pat ourselves on the back. We always knew we are immensely lovable.
Tests apart, one quick look at our online behaviour is enough to sketch our personality profiles. So which social media animal are you? We have a medley of ‘over-sharers’, the ’like mongers’, the ‘chronic likers’, the ‘over-reactor’. N is a Facebook watchman. You think he hates it till you see the notification ‘N is now friends with 9 people’. Our man scrolls through his feed every hour, albeit without leaving a trail. However, watchmen are infinitely better than the Facebook sly. The latter is the friend who routinely stalks you and, on principle, refrains from commenting or liking your new Goa album. But she silently keeps tabs on your increasing waistline. I am the shy exhibitionist. Too shy to do any self-promotion but very happy if you share my latest article or upload party pictures in which I am looking fab.
I have taken seven tests in half an hour. I may need a test that asks ‘Should you quit taking tests?’ But the suggestions from Zimbio are irresistible and I take what I tell myself is the last one — ‘Which social media are you?’ Pinterest, it says. “You are a community mom”. Whatever that means. But given that ‘How old are you based on your Internet habits’ told me that I am in my 40s, it looks like the algorithm is painting a pattern. I press shutdown.