BENGALURU: Bullying in schools is all too common. While parents debate about how to discipline children, say experts, it would do well for adults to look at their own behaviour.
“Children learn most of the lessons from their parents,” says Dr Ashalatha, Dept of Psychiatry, Kempegowda Institute of Medical Sciences. “When they see their parents joking around and making fun of others, they learn from that. But often parents don’t catch that. Children find it difficult to differentiate between bullying and having some fun.” They cannot foresee the consequences of their actions.
Parents should be careful about how they treat their children and others in front of their children, says Dr Ashalatha.
But cousellor Geetha Appachu says that we cannot put so much emphasis on imitative behaviour. “Let us not generalise that they learn from their parents and teachers. But bullying comes from a lack of clarity on what constitutes socially acceptable behaviour,” she says.
The imitation theory holds to the extent that ‘those who bully, cannot preach.’ “If I do not practice good behaviour, then I do not stand a chance when I want of being a good trainer,” says Geetha. If parents or teacher indulge in bully behaviour then it can confuse a child.
Otherwise, there is further processing that happens in every individual.
Dr Ashalatha says that parents need to spend quality time with their children. “Parents should make sure they spend enough time with children after they return from the school,” she says. “This way the child can share everything that happened at school instantly.”
Children spend more than five hours of a day at school, so teachers have a fair share of responsibility as well. “They learn and imitate their teachers too,” says Dr Ashalatha.
“No teacher encourages or ignores child bullying,” says Dr Ashalatha, “but they can advice and educate (on how to behave), if not punish. Then, it depends on the child, how he or she takes it.”
School teacher Tessa says that all children do not respond equally to advice. “Some understand it’s wrong and its consequences, while others ignore, despite punishments,” she says.
Sometimes parents and teachers think that a short chat has sorted things out with the bullies, but children continue to suffer in silence. Jalaja was constantly being bullied for being big. “I asked her to ignore it,” says her mother. “But the intensity of harassment increased. So, I went to her teachers and we found a way out.” Jalaja’s teacher says that these incidents are common and are forgotten within a day or two. But for 12-year-old Jalaja, it’s not over. “No one talks to me because I am fat,” she says. “They want all stylish and thin friends.”
In fact, Jalaja’s teacher says that her complaint may’ve backfired. “Her classmates say that she keeps complaining and so they’ll keep a safe distance.”
Shockingly, there is slut-shaming in schools too and led by parents of other children. Sunidhi’s daughter was being shunned for having friends who are boys.
“My daughter’s best friend’s mother always disliked my daughter because she had boys in her circle of friends,” says Sunidhi. “Therefore she was bullied, slut-shamed and treated like an outcast. Luckily my husband was transferred and we left the place.”
Parents of bullies seem to be a loss on how to handle them as well. “My neighbours once complained to me that my son bullied their daughter for being dark,” says Rekha, a parent and a teacher. “I advised my child and tried to make him understand the consequences of his actions. But, he refused to listen.” So the boy’s father locked him up in the room for some hours. “Some children just don’t learn when spoken softly,” says Rekha.
Parents rarely approach psychologists. Though Geetha says that she has seen two children after the death of the 14-year-old. “Their parents were worried when they heard that their children were bullied,” she says. But otherwise, it is mostly handled by parents and teachers.
“We rarely see cases on bullying because parents or teachers find out about it at an early stage and children are not difficult to get through to,” says Dr Ashalatha. Manoj Sharma, clinical psychologist at Nimhans, says that suicide from bullying is rare.
(Names are changed to protect identity)