BENGALURU: Being a single parent is tough, but being the single parent of a child with special needs can be life-changing to say the least.
City Express speaks to such single mothers who have relocated many times over and relearnt parenting to support and encourage their children. Families and friends keep them going, all say.
Nine-year-old Hetansh Shaparia greets you with a big smile and endless chatter. He was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder when he was two and a half years old. Now studying at Aditya Birla Integrated School in Mumbai, his mom, Deepa Shaparia has relocated twice, after the death of her husband last year, just to provide him the best education and therapy. “It’s extremely challenging to have a kid with ADHD. He couldn’t speak till the age of four, but now he is very talkative. I find it very difficult to take him to a new environment, because he gets very excited and restless. With his SPD, he would feel no tactile stimulus and wouldn’t know if he was hurt, until the blood scared him. He’s very emotional, social and alert but extremely low on confidence”, says Deepa.
She has taught herself to be more patient. “I am a perfectionist. And I expect perfection from him, when not fulfilled, it frustrates me. But I’m slowly learning.”
Disciplining him is a challenge. She uses a ‘Behaviour Chart’, comprising of a routine, which he has to follow during the week. A fun activity of his choice is the reward for good behaviour. “When we are alone, we love singing and dancing without a care. He also loves it when I read to him”, she says. She has put him into various therapies and takes it upon herself to make him study and become independent.
Reekha
Jutika, 22, is mildly autistic and a former ADHD patient. When she completed her Class XII in Chennai, her mother Reekha relocated to Bengaluru for Jutika’s job with AMBA, as a data entry operator. After her husband passed away, a few years ago, Reekha had resolved to make Jutika complete her schooling and make her independent. “I first found out about her ADHD when she was four and I was very sad. It took me a while to understand her. When she was younger, she would throw a lot of tantrums and I used to make her sit on my lap and hug her tight. She would scream and hit and try to fight me, but eventually calm down. There’s no point in reprimanding such children, it’s not under their control”, says Reekha.
“Her communication and social skills are a little weak and she has no peer group. I think she’s very lonely, I’m her everything. But what she has taught me is unconditional love”, says Reekha, teary-eyed. On being asked about what motivates her, Reekha says, “Small milestones that she achieves, like tying her shoe-laces by herself, taking a bath by herself, etc. keep me going.”
Jutika is training in classical music and Reekha joins her in her classes, just to keep her company and help her practice at home. The mother and daughter bond over music, baking and weekly walks.
Punita
To 22-year-old Brinda Shah, her mother Punita is “everything”. Says Punita: “When Brinda was two-and-a-half, she was diagnosed with ADHD. I had never heard of it, and was in utter shock. We slowly learnt to accept it and started reading more books and meeting therapists about her condition. Only when she was eight, we learnt that she had high power in both her eyes; her paediatrician had failed to detect it.”
Punita believes that Brinda needs to be part of the mainstream environment. “I think she needs to be challenged,” she says. Brinda is exposed to swimming, dancing, yoga and music, and participates in their apartment’s cultural events. “But her strength lies in helping around the house,” says Punita.
She disciplines Brinda by depriving her of her daily dose of tea, which she cannot do without. “I have to prepare her mentally before going into a new environment about the ‘do’s and don’ts’. She also has many dietary restrictions and such kids tend to have no control over eating, so I have to keep a constant watch”, says Punita.
“Such children need facilities like vocational training centres that cater to individual needs. The faster you accept them and their condition, the more you can help them,” she adds.