BENGALURU: Coming out of the closet takes a lot of courage, especially in India, where homophobia and archaic laws surrounding the matter still persist. It is hard to be happy when you have to lie to the world about who you are, with several members of the community scared of announcing their sexuality. This Pride Month, five members from the LGBTQI community living in Bengaluru share their coming out stories with City Express.
‘Coming out is a long process’
I am a woman, a lesbian, and an atheist – three minority identities that have, over the years, created a strong personality I am proud to call my own. I came out when I was 13 years old – after an unplanned chain of events. I was in a hostel, and the warden caught me and my first girlfriend kissing. So it was an involuntary ‘coming out’. When my parents came to know about the incident, they tried to show me verses from the Bible to tell me that I am a sinner. I came out to them as an atheist then, and still don’t know what appalled them more. When you are partially out, people who have the privilege to know your sexuality, mention it to someone else, which can be considered outing you without your consent. This has happened to me many times coming out without my knowledge. Some were proud of my courage, some cut all ties, and some wanted to pray for me. There were women who were offended that I was not sexually attracted to them! If people accuse me of wearing my sexuality on my sleeve, I am unapologetic, as it took me years of struggles to get to where I am today. Coming out is a long process, for some, it is a lifelong process. The first stage of coming out is accepting yourself. Then you slowly come out to people as and when the need arises, or when the time is right. People need to understand that sexuality is a choice.
– Dolly, IT professional
‘Get to know us before judging us’
I was the perfect son. An average-looking boy who did well in his academics. But from a very young age, I knew I wasn’t straight. I remember, in Class six, I wrote a love letter to a boy in my class. He dismissed it as a prank, and I kept quiet too. But as I grew up, I realised that I was gay, and decided to come out. I read a lot of stories on the Internet, which helped boost my morale. It also made me realise that there wasn’t a platform by/for Indians, which was when I started 101ComingOutStories – my blog. Personally, this has been very positive for me – it made me come out stronger and served as a window for people who were looking to share their stories.I went home for Diwali, and told my mom that I am gay. Before I could complete what I wanted to say, my mom started choking.I then wrote a letter to my father and asked him to read it, he just said, “It’s your life, your choice”. Later, when I moved to Bengaluru, both started to counsel me over the phone. They suggested medicines, marrying a girl of my choice, and a lot more. They thought homosexuality is a sin. It’s been years now, and I’ve started living my life on my own terms. What people don’t understand is that we also have the same dreams and aspirations as ‘straight’ people. Engage with us, get to know us, before you judge us.
– Ram Krishna, blogger
‘More to being gay than sex’
I realised I wasn’t straight during school but didn’t know what it was called. In college, I came to know that there is a term for it – gay. I embraced my gay-ness. I told my sister first, and she was extremely supportive. This boosted me to be more open and vocal about it. I then sent a mail to my parents about being gay - my dad was supportive, but my mother thought I was just going through a ‘phase’. When my sexual orientation become known at work, a lot of my colleagues, especially men, stopped talking to me. When I entered the washroom, men would quickly get out. It was disturbing initially, but then you learn to ignore it. Later, I moved to a foreign country for work, where I met Ruben. We hit it off immediately, and he took me home to meet his parents. I wished to do this someday too. We decided to get married, and came back to India. My family was scared that I’d get arrested because of Section 377. We tied the knot in Portugal, and also had a traditional wedding here. That’s the happy ending to my coming out story. People think being gay is all about sex – yes, sex is a part of it, but there is a lot more than what meets the eye.
– Sandeep, NGO worker
‘B’luru gave me chance to wear sexuality on my sleeve’
I love both men and women, for I see the human inside them and not just their physical appearance. When I came out, I was on a video call with my best friend. Somehow the conversation had shifted into her ranting about how she hates ‘people like that.’ I was trying to convince her to show some empathy, but when that failed, I just told her I was bi-sexual. She hung up on me. I told my family and my other friends so that they wouldn’t hear about it through her. My friendship with her ended that day, but a few years later, we spoke again, and she apologised for how she had treated me, and that she had distanced herself from her parents’ beliefs since. After I came out, my religious parents told me to leave the house. I am here now, in Bengaluru, the city that has given me the chance to wear my sexuality on my sleeve.
– Meghana, Pvt firm employee,
‘They didn’t know what I was’
I am a woman trapped in the body of a man. I came out as transgender right before my college, and my parents hated me for it. I was shown the door. I stayed in free hostels and completed my college while working part-time in a café. In college, owing to the way I dressed, people didn’t know what I was, and instead of asking, they just assumed I was weird and gross. I was avoided, and certainly wasn’t someone anyone would date. I once saw a guy in a cafe and asked him if he wanted to go out with me. We were dating for a few weeks before the question of gender came up, and then I realised – he hadn’t been sure of my gender or sex the whole time but was dating me anyway for the person I am. Explaining my identity to him was the easiest and least-threatening coming-out experience. Today, we have been living together for over a year. I always believed in happy endings and knew I would have one.
– Ravi, BPO Employee