BENGALURU: In my recent fights against depression and mental health issues, there is one suggestion I found routinely cropping up in articles and arbitrary advice from friends and family. ‘Take a shower’, they said. They explained that taking a shower was a relaxing experience that replenishes your soul – or similar pseudo-inspirational stuff. I realised quickly that all these people grew up in homes with proper bathrooms and geysers.
There really are two kinds of people in the world – those who readily take a shower every day of their own accord. And those who need to be coaxed, and do it so that the people around them do not faint. Yours Truly falls firmly in the second category.
As humans have evolved, the act of bathing has moved from a community activity to an intensely personal one. In my native village, for example, there are different timings for women and men, who go to bathe in one large group. In my village, we were required to finish our business before 6pm, as it was dangerous to step out in the dark.
We did not have the luxury of midnight binges and late-night urges. In my school, students were bathed by aayas till they were 11 years old. It was a boarding school, and the act of bathing required one to stand in front of a hot vessel of water as water was splashed, soap was applied, and you were rinsed off like a sock in a washing machine. Once the evil of puberty set in, we were expected to take bath ourselves using a bucket and a mug.
Weak as I was in Math, I had a tough time determining the exact ratio and proportion of the hot and cold water required for an honest bucket of bath. But my problems were compounded when I came into contact with a shower and geyser. I have a theory that shower companies and geyser companies had a huge feud decades ago, and they haven’t sorted out their issues to date. Every bathroom in the world has a complicated permutation-combination to get the hot water running.
Crank up the hot water knob too much, and you end up paying for the sins of your ancestors, as the hot water singes the skin off your back. Keep it too low, and you walk out feeling like a WhiteWalker on icy mountains. I step into the bathroom to take a shower and end up becoming a DJ. Then there is the complicated matter of bathing products – soaps, shampoos, conditioners and body washes. Each with their formulations – ZPTO, Keratine, Kryptonite and a strand of unicorn hair. With their own set of instructions too – Leave on for 3 minutes, rinse gently, avoid contact with eyes…
Bathing has always been a complicated chore for me. As a travelling comedian, I have to live in hotels and lodges, and the act of figuring out how the geyser works induces anxiety. Archimedes discovered the Archimedes’ Principle as he was taking a luxurious bath in Greece. If he was in India, the world would be deprived of the discovery. He would be busy screaming instructions to Raju to bring another bucket of hot water, with just a little bit of cold water…just a little bit...not too much…just a little…
(The author is a writer and a stand-up comedian).