BENGALURU: The week that has just passed has been full of horrors across Hyderabad, Unnao, Coimbatore, Rajasthan and even the national capital, both in terms of the gender-based violent crimes that have happened in all these places and many more places in the country on people aged as young as a few months old to quite aged people, and the kind of action we see on these crimes, both from the general public and from lawmakers and custodians of the law. There has hardly been much else that is being talked about on social media, newspapers, electronic media, TV and other spaces.
It is one thing to talk about these important happenings on our Facebook pages and other social spaces where there are hundreds or thousands or friends and acquaintances, but it is quite another to be able to talk about these matters with our immediate and intimate people.
Do we talk about these issues in our family? How about with the people we are in a relationship with or are dating? Do people update their dating app profile with the hashtags that they otherwise use in their posts? Are there discussions on consent, violence and the such with possible dates? For many of us, we are socialised in families, schools and institutions where there is hardly any conversation on love, let alone lust.
Of sex or violence, even where there is plenty of it in the family itself, there is little that is said or acknowledged. Many families tend to avoid these topics like the plague to the extent that they change the TV channel or switch it off altogether if there is anything sexual or violent on the channel, switching to seemingly bland programming on cartoon channels or devotional programmes.
It then follows that, unless one is actively associated with socially conscious spaces either as a student of social studies or because of associations with social activism, hardly anyone really talks about these issues in intimate connections. We would talk about all our work, wishes, desires, values and all our other feelings, but rarely about the rage, anger, fear and pain we feel at instances like this.
There is a certain kind of intimacy which we need to risk to be able to talk so openly about gender-based violence, the impact it has on us and what we need for us to feel safe. We can talk about it till the sun sets forever with any random person, but in intimate relationships, it is very different. Talking about it with our special people means opening up ourselves to greater vulnerability, and a rawness that is a risk.
Where we have had reason, any reason at all, to doubt that safety even by the slightest, we may not ever really talk about what we feel, seeking to protect what is there and hold the safe ground even if it means that much lesser of a true connection.If we can really fully express what we feel and get true validation, that will be a truly intimate relationship.The author is a counsellor with InnerSight.