BENGALURU: One of the routines that the lockdown has brought about is a daily check on the number of cases in the country. I begin by checking the world numbers first, followed by India’s cases, followed by local news. Now, I’m no Nobel laureate in Economics, but I have noticed a distinct pattern. The rise in the number of cases is inversely proportional to my bank balance. As the country grapples with a problem like never before, my bank balance has been witnessing a steady decline. My career as a standup comedian seems like a flashback from a past life. With no films releasing, there are no films to review either.
As a writer, it’s not very difficult to find jobs. The problem is to get people willing to pay for the writing. I have had offers where the agreed pay was ‘10 paisa per word’. An exercise where you finish writing an article and realise the pay is lesser than the pen you wrote it with. Irrespective of the state of world markets, writers live in a permanent state of recession.
The good thing about going broke though, is that if you’ve been broke earlier, you slowly get better at it. You begin to make small adjustments. When the lockdown was first announced, Yours Truly spent the first few weeks sipping white wine. These days, I choose cheap vodka as my poison. King-size cigarettes give way to smaller packs with larger warnings. E-commerce sites are unceremoniously removed from the list of bookmarked websites. These minor changes result from having been broke earlier, a rich experience that one assumes Anil Ambani is not privy to!
But it’s not all bad. Going broke can make you a spiritual person. It makes you question the point of your existence, question pre-existent notions of happiness, and ponder over the meaning of life. Over the last few weeks, I have thought about what life skills I possess. If a Hollywood-summer-blockbuster level calamity befell me, how long could I really survive?
Out of curiosity, I searched the web for jobs that require no educational or prior work experience. The two most common results were of politicians and religious leaders. The first option is an extremely long journey with a marginal chance of success. There’s also the risk of being invited to Arnab’s show and suffering permanent hearing damage! But it was the latter career that piqued my interest.
If I put in a few months of interest and focused on grooming myself, the possibility of becoming a Baba does not seem too distant. A religious leader primarily needs to speak to audiences over a long period. And the one skill an unsuccessful comedian possesses is the ability to speak to unresponsive audiences for long periods. I also happen to speak five languages, and my long hair would make the transition smoother than usual.
Irrespective of their religion, spiritual leaders never suffer from a recession. They never go broke, and get to enjoy tax-free income along with the patronage of politicians and businessmen. If the lockdown persists for a few more months, I might have to bid adieu to my flatmates and my barber, and plunge headlong into the exciting life as a spiritual leader. So if you find this column missing, dear reader, please do not worry. Kindly turn the pages to the astrology section, and you’ll find me there!