As tensions with China escalated across the border, a few concerned citizens stepped up to the challenge of defeating China. They did this by smashing television sets -- a move that sent shivers down the enemy’s spine. Of course, they’d have to buy a new TV and thus boost the Chinese economy further. But it’s the effort that counts. Not to be left behind, I decided to join the fight against our neighbour by ridding my house of all things Chinese.
Since I do not possess a television, I decided to look around my house for other Chinese products. With a pang of guilt, I remembered that I had purchased many spoons, mugs and buckets at a wholesale shop named ‘China Bazar’. I quickly realised that China is not just against India, but against the entire planet. Enraged, I looked around the rest of the house.I found old packets of green tea (tea was invented in China, FYI) and quickly threw them away. I had never liked the taste to be honest.
I also found an old board of Chinese Chequers – I wanted nothing to do with either the Chinese or their chequers. So caught up was I in the act that I misread moisturiser as ‘maoisturiser’! I found some packets of Manchow soup that were quickly disposed of. The only regret I have is of breaking the Chinese Mosquito Killer Tennis Racket. The mosquitoes in my house had been enjoying the blissful lives of grihasti, till the racket came to our house like a Bramhaastra. I would request other countries of the world to make their own versions of Chinese Mosquito Killer Tennis Racket – it is truly one of the greatest inventions of the century. Upon further inspection, I found that my bike is thankfully Japanese. Chanakya says an enemy’s enemy is our friend, so I washed it and showered it with love and affection.
Done with the peripheral cleansing, I decided to look further. I found that my laptop was made in China, but only in parts. Since we are more than the sum of our parts, I spared my laptop from any damage. But I found that my phone has been manufactured and assembled in China. How was I supposed to throw away the device that I most interacted with during the day? I did some research on WhatsApp and found that Chinese companies are using their phones to track us and our activities. That is when I decided that I’d let them track me.
If there are Chinese military officials tracking my phone, they will get a dozen spam calls a day, along with warnings from credit card companies. They will also be inundated with hundreds of SMS a day on all kinds of offers and schemes. Pizza places, and astrology tips and a welcome message into a gym that has been shut down due to the pandemic (which was also started in China!).
All this unnecessary information is sure to demoralise the enemy!
But something seemed to be missing. I needed to make a greater sacrifice, something that would send a strong message. And that is when, like China’s Corona-spreading 5G signals, a brainwave hit me. I have decided to say no to Chinese pornography on the Internet. Modiji has banned pornographic sites, but they keep mushrooming. In these trying circumstances, I have decided to say ‘No’ to Chinese pornography. I would expect no less from you, my dear fellow countrymen! It’s time to take matters into our own hands!
Hriday Ranjan
Writer, comedian