BENGALURU: A popular image going around on WhatsApp groups and social media in general has two people standing on opposite sides of a figure on the ground, and one says it is a ‘9’ and the other says it is a ‘6,’ both insisting they are right. When we look at the image from our observer position, looking at both sides, we can see how both sides are correct, neither is wrong and yet neither is fully correct either since we can see that it is really a matter of perspective.
Of course, some among us might argue that both are wrong and that it is really the letter ‘ma’ in Tamil, and yet others might argue it is some other symbol altogether based on where they are coming from. They might just be trying to be difficult, but it just proves the point – the perspective is really all that matters.
It seems quite self-evident that if only we were able to walk around and see each other’s perspective, we might get a more holistic view and conflicts would stop, and yet, we don’t always do that. In fact, most times, we get quite passionate about our own perspective and defend it as the right thing, even as others insist that theirs is the right thing. We see it in politics, and we most certainly see it in our relationships. Our defence of our perspective can get quite intense and even aggressive, and in families where there is interaction amongst families of origin of the people in the relationship, it can get really serious very quickly.
Imagine your partner coming to you and telling you that one of your parents is an interfering and obnoxious person, when you have in all your life, only experienced them as loving and generous to a fault. At first, you might just attribute it to them not getting to know each other very well, but as time goes by, you are quite likely to get offended that someone could even talk about your ever loving parent this way. If it continues, you are quite likely to get really triggered and a real conflict can come up, with you feeling as if you are being forced to choose between your parent and your partner.
What if you took a step back, and saw that your partner is not really talking to you about your parents, but their in-laws? Could you possibly see that the parent-child relationship can be absolutely different from the in-laws relationship? Would that help you back off and hold space for this conflicting view about a person you care about?
In certain situations, we do that quite well. We are able to see it at work sometimes, for instance. We can feel perfectly good about our own relationship with a manager, while still hearing someone else complain about it. Even about the city we live in, or politicians we like. We just need to get better at doing this with the people closest to us. (The author is a counsellor with InnerSight)