BENGALURU : Many years ago, I watched a movie – I no longer remember its name or even the language it was in, but a dialogue from that film has stuck with me. The lead in the movie is torn between two very different people and is moping in that lovelorn state. The character’s parent comes in, asks what the matter was, learns about the conflicts in love, thinks for a while and then with the most beatific smile, cuts through all the confusion and offers as advice, “Forget about who you are more attracted to or even who you love more. Just go with the person who loves you more! You will be happy for life!”
That pearl of wisdom clears the fog for our conflicted character and the choice becomes abundantly clear. The flashy, happy prospective partner is jettisoned for the quieter, more docile prospect. Life goes on till this person dies and a whole lot of other drama emerges. The movie itself was evidently quite forgettable, but that wise-looking parent’s advice has remained with me.
Do you choose the one you feel you love more? Or, do you go with someone who evidently loves you tremendously, even if you yourself are iffy about them?
The teenage person that I was when I was watching the movie was very much moved by the message. It seemed a really good deal that one could just be adored and cherished without necessarily being asked for much back. Images of royalty being fed bunches of grapes and what-not by doting lovers came to mind. It did not occur to me then that the idea of being the beloved in a relationship, even when you don’t necessarily love back, was a bit selfish or self-serving.
Sometime later, it occurred to me what it would be like if I were the adorer instead of the adored. What would it be like if I had to be the one loving and constantly expressing that love, without really expecting anything in return that just having this love received?
In cultures of devotion and elevating the loved one to a God-like status, it can feel for a while that just being able to have that love received is rapture in itself, but sooner or later, the lived reality comes crashing down. One starts to see that lopsided love doesn’t really help.
That martyrdom is very attractive, even seductive. We are fed with literature and media that glorifies such martyrdom, and many of us even end up falling for it every now and then, but it almost always ends in deep pain. It is all well and good to watch love stories on screen where love flows one-way forever, our tragic protagonist suffering all sorts of humiliation and finally, in the climax, with death looming, comes some acknowledgement and love flows back amidst copious tears, but in reality, such redeeming love rarely comes.If you are struggling between different loves, struggle some more till you really know where it is mutual. Don’t listen to the old stories. (The writer is a counsellor with InnerSight)