BENGALURU: With all the working from home that’s going on, and the pressures that Covid-19 has brought in terms of parenting as a 24/ 7 activity, multiple generations living in the same environment as the people in a relationship, pressures coming from changes or risks to employment, it has been one intense experience for many people over the last few months. Even the easing out of the lockdown has not really changed things, and if anything it has increased the stress households feel with the constant checking in on whether we are wearing masks properly, whether there is enough sanitiser at home and at hand while out.
It is no surprise that there is that much more irritation, frustration, annoyance and downright anger. We are getting on each other’s nerves and that energy is getting directed all over the place, like that much mustard spluttering when thrown into hot oil for a tadka. The irritability is at epic levels, and there’s much snapping at each other and all the stress and tension we carry is just looking for an excuse to just come out and express itself. Families are talking about a lot more arguments and fights, and as things tend to happen, there is some kind of hierarchy that ends up becoming a reality in such fights.
The old story goes that the ruler of a kingdom loses a battle, and shows that anger upon the palace staff, who then, powerless as they are to take it back where it is needed, take it out on a more vulnerable person in the house, a child maybe, who then, further takes it out on someone even more vulnerable and defenceless - the family dog, maybe. The term ‘whipping dog’ comes from such a reality, where the family dog ends up being at the receiving end of much of the anger. It is not just an endless chain of violence - at other times, the affected party plots revenge and serves it cold to their grim satisfaction.
The more intimate the connection, the worse it can get. There is likely to be more intense and painful cycles of hurt and revenge. It might be silly things like an under-seasoned lunch, or a toothbrush used to clean the windowsill and left back in the cup. Having experienced love and deciding to live together doesn’t make them immune to these action-reaction cycles, nor does it make the injured party magically absorb and just swallow all of it.
The question is: Are we destined to cycle around in these interminable cycles of violence and counter-violence? Will we keep passing on our hurt down, or get stuck plotting revenge? Or, can we really get anything close to a resolution?
Revenge is a me-first space, where the intent is only to give oneself some solace, even at the cost of love. Resolution is more a “We are OK, and if we can’t be ok, I still want to be OK for myself, “ space that seeks to defend dignity with grace.(The writer is a counsellor with Innersight)