BENGALURU: In any loving relationship, we typically desire a safe space to be our full emotional self, to feel whatever we feel as fully as we can, express it safely and without any judgement and be able to recover ourselves from whatever depths or heights we get to in feeling as we do. Sometimes, it is the presence of a loved one who can validate our feelings and be there for us, that makes the difference from letting the emotion flow through and out versus suppressing it altogether or letting the emotion take over and lose control.
Nothing says, “I love you,” as much as a loved one who gets what we feel and why, is able to join us in the way we feel, and gets us back to emotional safety. A relationship where every person can be this safe space for each other is the ultimate vision of a perfect relationship.
Rarely does that happen. Sometimes, the emotional validation is totally one-sided, with one party always pushing their emotional needs on the other, demanding validation, or worse, expecting emotional collusion expecting that their loved one to take the same position as them against the world. Other relationships might have emotional coldness, a complete lack of emotional connection, with the relationship based almost completely on transactions of everyday life, and that just feels like an arid desert devoid of any human connection.
Most of our relationships trundle along somewhere in between. We might get a few of those emotional safety moments, miss a few others altogether and in some moments, even be antagonistic to each other. We may be able to experience some mutuality in being there for each other even if not always. We might be there when it counts, or at all other times but somehow fail to be there just when emotional support might be needed. Still, we manage to carry along anyways just because there is still enough support.
Where it gets really tricky is if all the parties are in heightened emotional states, and different ones at that. One is super angry while the other terribly sad. Who validates which emotion then? Can one be angry while fully validating the other’s sadness? And what if they are totally different emotions - like one person is exhilarated with some success of theirs and another is very upset? Can we fully feel and express what we feel while allowing the other’s very contradictory emotion the same space? How can one celebrate while another mourns? Should one not hold back and wait for a better time for the other’s sake? Does one emotional state trump another emotional state?
Life often brings us these emotionally incongruous moments, and yes, often we might choose to suppress our own emotions to hold space for our loved one’s feelings, especially if it is grief, deep disappointment or other tough feelings. Can we aspire to be the kind of relationship where both can coexist? After all, rainbows appear only when there is sunshine and rain together.