BENGALURU: When we were kids playing around, there would often be a case of finders versus keepers. It could be as small a thing as a pencil found in the dust somewhere, to books found stuck between bus seats, to other, more particularly personal things.
The finder of the said piece, while flaunting their find, would often be confronted by a previous owner who had lost it earlier, or just forgotten about it, and now suddenly aware of its existence, claiming rights over the object. Then, a right old battle of finders versus keepers emerges, with each party claiming ownership, and a jury of peers being pulled in, more often than not, to watch the spectacle as it unfolds as to actual adjudication of who gets to claim ownership. Sometimes, an adult might intervene and set adult logic onto the conflict and pack up the kids.
It is one thing for lost and found objects, but what is the rule for lost and found relationships?
A couple might find themselves drifting away, not quite broken up, not quite together, and suddenly one day, one of them is “found” by a third person, gets celebrated and loved, and then the earlier partner wakes up. This was “their” partner, and no, they had not split up, nor even taking a break – maybe just a little distant from each other, but this was “their” partner and the other is an interloper. The new lover might have a totally different take on it, claiming they had found this person and connected with them, not their fault if this person had found a connection with them rather than the earlier partner. Full-on conflicts emerge, often in public view, with each claiming the person in the middle for themselves as their own by right, by law or by love.
So, who is right?
The good news is that, unlike objects, the person in the middle actually has a voice and can assert themselves. Do they see themselves as having drifted from an earlier commitment? Or, have they found a new and more valuable attachment? Or, are they being opportunistic? They can and often do assert their return themselves, but sometimes they might be more object-like, letting the people fight over them, claiming they can’t make a choice.
Either way, it doesn’t stop the others from acting as if these relationships were another game of Finders vs Keepers. They trade barbs – home wrecker, spouse stealer, ice versus spice, and whatnot, acting as if the person in the middle of this was not an active part of the decision at all.
It is so much easier to blame someone else as a thief, rather than to really accept the reality that our attachment has weakened, that our attention had wandered and we had taken each other for granted. Or, that our relationship had been on shaky grounds held more by promises than by real feelings, or that we just had the wrong partner for ourselves.
Finding a relationship is difficult. Keeping one is harder.