BENGALURU: Viktor Frankl, in the book Man’s Search for Meaning, explores the importance of meaning we make of the situations we find ourselves in from time to time, and how it is the meaning we make that determines our mental health and not the situation in itself.
Frankl, having experienced Nazi death camps and survived them by holding on to a clear sense of purpose in this idea of meaning, writing and rewriting bits of it in whatever material was available while experiencing horror, suffering and death all around and all the time for years.
One of the stories that Frankl talks about in the book is not from the Nazi camps, but well after that, from Frankl’s psychological practice – a client came in to talk about the grief and suffering following the death of a beloved partner of over two decades, crying about how it was so unfair to be left behind to suffer thus.
Frankl writes in the book about listening to the person crying and cursing in all the pain that a loved one’s death causes, and about asking one single question to this person: “Would you have rather that you had died and let your beloved survive you, suffering for years like you yourself are suffering now?”
Frankl says the person just stopped in their tracks, thinking for a long time about the question, and then nods in quiet acceptance, only saying, “No, I couldn’t bear the idea of my beloved suffering.” Death is inevitable. Even the most exalted love cannot save one from death, and often the death of a partner is just too painful to think about – we would go through life without ever really thinking about possible death, till old age or illness announces the clock is ticking and reminds us of needing to prepare for the parting.
Many times, even when the dying partner wants to settle worldly affairs, write wills and reset financial matters, the partner who would survive protests it as if such acts, even if it was the most practical step to take, were going to somehow hasten death, or be bad omens. “You’ll get better, you will see!” the beloved says, denying reality till the very last moment. If we really embrace the possibility of death and parting, it can liberate us – both as individuals and as people in relationships.
Facing a relationship’s possible end, if not by something as final as death, can allow us to live more fully. We don’t have to plan the end itself, of course, but we can certainly plan for the end. It is an act of love to be able to think about the loved ones we leave behind when we part, and make sure that our wishes for their welfare and wellness are well-thought-out, documented and understood. When people make vows to each other and promise to love each other till death does them apart, maybe we need to extend it a little bit more and promise to love each other even after death does one apart.