BENGALURU: When we were all teenagers hanging out in our ancestral home for holidays, a family elder saw us all sitting around being bored and seemingly scheming something wild to entertain ourselves, told us in that cautionary voice, “Remember that it is a stairway to heaven but a very quick slide all the way to hell.” I still don’t know what it was that brought up that dire warning from that esteemed relative – we were all only planning a day of planning snakes and ladders at best.
For whatever reason, that statement stayed in memory. One hears versions of it all over the place. Things take forever to build and only moments to destroy. Kids play shows it – they would take hours to build something with their Lego sets and bring it all down in an instant. In this world of social media, one thoughtless tweet can destroy not only one’s internet following but can have very real consequences including complaints to the police, being mobbed by outraged crowds, getting cancelled and seeing one’s life and livelihood trashed. It really is a very quick slide to hell.
Love and relationships are something like that. It takes so long to develop that deep sense of trust, the sense of belonging and intimacy with one another, and takes moments to tear it all down.
It is actually harder in some ways in relationships – the ladder we used the first time to build up trust, affection, belonging or intimacy will likely not work any longer. If we won a partner’s affections by being attentive and caring in the first place, the same is not enough a second time around if we had in some way betrayed their trust. We can’t seem to get them to love us again just by again being caring. More is called for. Yet, if we lost it in a moment of rage, we could lose it next time without even getting to that point of rage. We need to find new ladders though the old snakes seem to multiply with each fall.
For the most part, it feels like any time we have a fall or there is an erosion in trust, affection or anything else that holds up a relationship, it takes twice as long to build it up again. It is so much harder to regain the same level after it has been broken. Many times, the level we can reach is lower than before and even that feels tenuous at best.
The snakes and ladders game in love and relationships seem to have reduced ceilings each time we mess up. When that happens, often we freeze, not wanting to risk it shrinking further. We don’t make much of a move at all, worried of losing it even more, and we stay in suboptimal relationships, fearful and at the same time, unfulfilled.
As with games as kids, we might lose often, but the only real loss is if we stop playing altogether. Tough as it is, we need to find new ladders to love, or even start a new game altogether.