BENGALURU: I have never been a fan of weddings. Either attending them or being a stakeholder in them. I’ve never been married, and like many in my generation – never been very keen on it. Perhaps it was witnessing my parents’ marriage that forged this decision. Their marriage was a daily soap playing out on an hourly basis. On some days, it was a long-drawn Test match. On others, it was the slog overs of a T20 thriller. Some matches were washed out, some abandoned, till the spectators had enough, the broadcast rights were given up, and the two parties amicably shook hands and agreed never to play each other again. Or perhaps it was the general disillusionment of my generation with the institution.
A marriage is like a dosae coming off a hot, steaming tawa. Either get married in your 20s, or the dosae will seem more and more unappetising to you. As I entered my 30s, I felt more and more repulsed by the idea of it. If being in a marriage seems scary, attending a wedding is no walk in Cubbon Park either. It consists of all the things I despise – dressing up, meeting people, smiling, and answering questions on my life. Unless there’s free booze, of course! The only reason to attend a wedding in my opinion, is the free booze. It’s the only time you can ask for six large pegs and nobody will judge you.
It’s the only time I genuinely wish the couple the best of happiness and marital success. At regular weddings, you’ll find me shirking off at the back. But if there’s booze, I’ll be the unmarried royal stag, the genial old monk, wise enough to look at the world beyond black & white lenses. I’m flabbergasted by the amount of money people throw away at weddings.
Some of the investment is recovered as gifts. But what about the aunty who slips `51 into the shiny envelope? Or those saving the planet by recycling the gifts they received from others? Or the bachelors who come in groups of ten and hand over a measly `101? Which is why I respect couples who got married in the lockdown. God, the universe, and a strange virus conspired to help them save money. Not only did they save lakhs’ worth of food going to the municipality dustbin, they also avoided the company of elders in a wedding. For you see, the elderly guests are the quality check that nobody asked for at weddings. This voluntary group of people go about inspecting everything from the food, to the clothes, to the quality of guests invited. As luck would have it, the elderly were at the most risk due to the pandemic. If you’re a young couple looking to get married, please read the next paragraph carefully.
A new wave is lurking around, and there couldn’t be a better time to get hitched. Invite only 20 people, and avoid the unfortunate acquaintances that we call relatives. Ask a friend to bring a tripod, and broadcast the wedding on Instagram. When asked why they weren’t invited, tell relatives that everybody has Covid, and it was actually a quarantine measure. Unless of course, there’s booze in your wedding. Then, kindly write to me. I shall attend your wedding. I shall guard the open bar, and ensure annoying relatives don’t crash your wedding. It’s a royal challenge I’m willing to take up, and I’ll ensure it’s a matter of (blender’s) pride for the couple!!