BENGALURU: We recently celebrated Independence Day – the one holiday that more than 50 countries across the world celebrate thanks to the British. If you think about it, this holiday is a very different one from other ones that are celebrated for some religious occasion or any other such special occurrence. Independence days are celebrated only by erstwhile colonised places that had to liberate themselves from their oppressors through non-violent struggles such as our own, economic struggles or even outright wars fought for freedom’s sake. The only countries that don’t have Independence Days are ones that were never colonised.
After wrangling our Independence from the oppressive nations that colonised us, it is not like there was an immediate and complete cessation of all ties with the oppressor. In fact, it is quite the opposite. The oppressor nation continues to be quite significant, a major trade partner even.
What gives?
In life, when a relationship gets nasty to the point of feeling oppressed and we break away from the relationship through any means necessary, we hardly ever stay in touch. In fact, we try really hard to move away from the oppressor altogether. Even if we were so gaslighted in the relationship, when we finally get out of it, friends and others will do their utmost to make sure we don’t slip back into that unhealthy relationship.
We go through much trouble to ensure there is distance between us -- emotionally, for sure, and very often, physically as well. The common cure to a break up is distance and time - stay far away from each other for long enough, take as much time as needed and things are bound to get better. If you let enough time to pass and for enough other opportunities to connect with others, sooner or later, one would hope that the old relationship really get washed away from one’s life and one feels hopeful enough to seek something new, something different again.
The reality is often quite different. Just as with our colonisers as a nation, many of us struggle with letting go of a toxic relationship. We cling on, thinking that they might actually be quite fine and that we are the problem. In co-dependent situations, we start to lose identity of ourselves, we don’t quite know where they end and we begin, enmeshed with them as we are, making their needs our own, making our happiness depend on their approval and wellbeing, trusting them to do what is needed, losing our self-esteem and even our identity. Everything becomes about the other.
Love is about freedom. Sometimes, true love is freedom from toxic love. It is not always easy to identify, ask for and experience. Sometimes, love has a way of looking like it was everything perfect, and it takes a lot to even identify that one might be sacrificing independence at the altar of love. It is never too late to fight for freedom from toxic love.