BENGALURU: I don’t know about you, but I never believed in the concept of Santa Claus. Even as a child, I found it hard to believe that there’s a person keeping track of you, and more importantly – will come in the night to reward your good behaviour with gifts.
Instead of Santa, I was more comfortable with c – the celestial bookkeeper who kept track of all your actions and helped Yama decide whether one must go to heaven or hell. It helped that Chitragupta was often portrayed by hilarious actors like Brahmanandam and Asrani. While Santa kept laughing with his ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’, Chitragupta made YOU laugh in the movies – so I was always in Team Chitragupta. I was an imaginative kid, but there were limits to my imagination. When I read Harry Potter for the first time, I appreciated the world building but rolled my eyes at kids who ran into a wall with their trolleys – hoping to get an entrance into Hogwarts. As Indians, we all know that getting a seat into a good school involves your parents requesting the principal and pleading for hours!
At a logistical level, Santa will face numerous problems in India. Riding a sleigh in India? Unimaginable. First of all, Maneka Gandhi would file a case for animal torture against Father Christmas. India is a country where animals are loved, respected, and even worshipped – so good luck whipping the reindeers! Then there’s the traffic. Western countries also suffer from traffic problems – but they don’t have ‘Wrong Route’ riders who believe in making their path in life. Imagine Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer trying to navigate Indian roads with his very shiny nose! He would be homesick in a few hours! Then there is the trouble of delivering gifts. In areas like Gurugram and Noida – where delivery platforms think thrice before delivering online orders – how on earth is Santa going to be delivering gifts?
Sneaking in through the chimney/rooftops comes with its Indian problems. Santa is known to sneak into houses from rooftops, but Indian moms love to dry chillies and pickles on terraces. It is going to be a nightmare to traverse those intricate spreads on every Indian terrace. He will also have to deal with clothes hanging on the terraces, and God forbid he moves a saree a few inches on the clothesline! Santa will have to face the wrath of an Indian mother! Even if he does sneak in, he will be mistaken for a Zomato delivery boy and asked to come normally – by ringing the bell of the house, and then calling the guests for five minutes to pick up the package! He might try sneaking in late at night, but the blaring music from breweries might disrupt his surprise. And imagine being caught by a cop while sneaking into a house! Santa will have to include special gifts in his package for the cops too! Speaking the local language might be an issue with locals, and Santa might have to dump the ‘Ho! Ho! Ho’ and replace it with ‘Tic Tic Tic’ in order to engage the local enthusiasts.
The truth is, Santa Claus as a concept never flew in India. In his place, we have our grandmothers – real, breathing balls of warmth and comfort who slip money into your hands every time they see you. Who shelter you from your parents’ wrath, and gently read you a story at night. Who needs Santa, when we all have our own ‘Shanta’ Claus!
(The writer’s views are his own)
Hriday Ranjan
Urban Bourbon
(Writer, comedian)