BENGALURU: Do you have the space and time in your life for love and relationships?
When our life is quite full with all kinds of different things that take up almost all our time, attention, focus and mental energy, we might feel like there is no time for love or a relationship, certainly not a new one. It might be a stressful time at work, a startup idea that we really got behind, health emergencies for parents or others, educational priorities such as a thesis one is working on, or even a creative project like a movie or a book that one has gotten into – maybe just one of these, or a whole bunch of them.
Sometimes, it may not be something that we are working on or developing for the future, but a part of our past that we need to work through – trauma from the past that we discovered we need to work through, anger issues, spiritual practices or personal fitness and health. It could be any number of things that take up all the time and energy we have available.
At such times, just thinking of a new relationship can feel like a lot of effort, let alone actually start one. Even the relationship we are in might seem like so much work that we might feel like taking a break from it so that we can focus on the other things that are taking up our mental space. We may not feel like we have the capacity to attend to the needs of someone else at the time.
If that resonates, just review these two sentences, and you might recognise that it is not love or relationship itself that seems exhausting, but the three words: work, effort and attention. It is those three things that exhaust us when our plate is already full, not love itself.
Can there be loving relationships that don’t feel like it is work? Something that doesn’t require a lot of focussed attention, or ongoing effort? If someone comes into your life when it is a super-busy time, things are light and easy, it doesn’t take much effort or attention, would you still shoo it away saying you don’t have the space or time for it? When things are tough, we would probably like the loving support of someone close to us, a shoulder to cry on, a ear that is happy to hear us out, a mind that can help solve tricky problems with us, or just someone who can make things just a little lighter for us.
It is only that we are so used to experiencing love and relationships as needing work and so much attention that it feels burdensome. It need not be that way, though it often is just how it is. Love is not something that we have to win at by being the most attentive and putting in the best work all the time. It can be light and comforting too – stay open, and ask for it. You might just get what you need.
(The writers’ views are their own)