BENGALURU: Have you had times in your life when you experienced your partner as a really unlikeable person? Have there been times when you wonder how are you even together?
It is a rare relationship that doesn’t have times when you find it really difficult to be loving in your relationship when it is hard to like your partner, let alone love them. There are moments of absolute stubbornness, or irresolute irrationality, pigheaded in their thoughts where there is no space to engage, let alone negotiate.
Sometimes, it can be behaviours that you just cannot tolerate – like how they react to a particular situation, or how foul-mouthed they can get when triggered like in a high-traffic situation, or even simple household things like laundry and used dishes. If it is just that much, you might just gently point things out, or choose to try and ignore it as much as you can, only bringing it up now and then. At other times, it can feel risky or even dangerous, like if they pick fights with vendors that work in your area, or leave the car parked oddly in the parking lot so as to obstruct annoying neighbours, but in your opinion, only escalating issues and not solving anything.
There are any number of things that your partner might do that have absolutely nothing to do with you but make it really difficult to love them at the time. If you try to point out such things, you might just get a rebuttal, “Hey! This has nothing to do with you. Why are you trying to control me?” You might even get pointed questions like, “Are you ashamed of me?” Or, “You are being a wuss. I am at least doing something,” if it is about civic actions they take that you disapprove.
In the escalated conflict situation that we live in these days with highly-charged social contexts not just in India, but in North Africa, between Russia and Ukraine, Azerbaijan and Armenia, and more. Old flashpoints like in Israel-Palestine are exploding. If you and your partner don’t quite see it the same way, it might make it really hard to love your partner. How can they even think what they think? Do they really approve of certain kinds of action? Or how can they not be angry like you are? How can they be a pacifist in situations that demand action?
With other people, you might be able to deal with it in different ways, but when it is a partner and someone you have loved, it can be really challenging. One thing you can say is this: “I love you, but I don’t like you right now,” or even, “I want to love you, but am finding it hard to do so at this time.” It is hard to love someone when they seem least deserving of it, and yet, we don’t need to be a martyr about it.
The writers’ views are their own