BENGALURU: Do you need to love perfectly? Is there such a thing as perfection in a relationship? Imagine for a moment you are having a great time with a lover, and then as you are cuddling, your lover says, “Do you know what is needed to make this moment right here right now the most perfect moment ever?”
At that moment, being together as you are, what thoughts would run through your mind hearing such a thing? Would you look at yourself and think maybe I should be working on my abs or my arms, and bringing up your own insecurities to the forefront, or would you look at the context of where you are and think maybe the lights should be dimmer and get annoyed at the rajnigandha, or wish the music was Usha Uthup singing instead? Would you immediately know what would have been better?
Perfection is the enemy of good. Voltaire apparently said that first, but it has become common wisdom now.
Very often, we do not get to experience the joy and beauty of what is good because we cannot relax into it, our inner critic being as constantly activated as they are, we cannot let ourselves enjoy the moment for what it presents, and instead dismiss it for not being what a search for perfection would demand of it. We fear failure so much. It is not a single failure that scares us though, is it? If we can bear looking a little more deeply, it is what failures would mean about us – we fear that we might be inadequate and incompetent. So much so that we tell ourselves that we cannot relax and coast along for even a moment lest we let ourselves get drawn into a whirlpool of mediocrity that we will be self-loathing blobs.
Few places bring up that kind of insecurity in the way love and relationships can do for us. When we are with another person, we need so much for the lover to say, “Nothing at all. You are perfect, I am, and everything is just right this moment when we are here with each other.”
Anything short of that as a response to the question we asked might feel short and trigger insecurities we didn’t know we even had.
The point is not about whether you get the correct answer to the question, “Do you know what will make this moment perfect?”, but to check why we even have to think or ask such a question. If you can just be annoyed at the lover for even asking such a stupid question, taking away from your enjoyment of the moment for whatever it is, instead of actually thinking about what needs to be better, kudos to you.
Love is a beautiful accident. It is not a given. There is no assurance that we will love someone or be loved. Love is like a wildflower blooming through a crack in the concrete in a busy city street. It is a miracle it even exists. Can we let ourselves love, and enjoy how good it is, without seeking perfection?
(The writer’s views are his own)