BENGALURU: Did you know that July 7 marked the Global Forgiveness Day? This is different from Jain traditions of Kshamavani, but has some of the same principles of forgiveness being a key aspect of healing oneself, and for promoting peace and harmony. Forgiving those who have caused harm to you and forgiving oneself for causing harm to oneself or others, are both seen as key aspects of forgiveness here and as a way to more fully come back to a state of loving grace and gratitude for oneself.
It is one thing to consider the harm done by people one doesn’t necessarily love or with whom we have a relationship, and look at forgiveness of such matters. With people we don’t care much about, it might not feel important at all, and it’s easy to forget the whole matter. The car that cut across the traffic and blocked you is forgotten in a matter of minutes. The restaurant that served bad chutney with half-cooked dosas might get a bad review but is quickly forgotten too. We do not necessarily need to forgive what is easily forgotten, do we?
In love and relationships, things can get much more complicated. On one hand, in the early stages of falling in love and amidst the intoxication of the infatuation, everything is forgiven easily. We do not care if the beloved came late or did not come at all as promised, and instead only fret and worry about it, and make a fuss over it when we do get to meet. We forgive slights at the slightest show of affection and are ready to wipe the slate clean without really needing any signs of remorse at all. Forgiveness comes very easily for a while when we are in that state of early love.
It doesn’t last very long though – sooner or later, the pink shades drop, and we see things quite differently. When that happens, it becomes a very different deal very quickly. We start holding out, keeping track of those slights, and over time, these matters can become pretty big lists that we trot out at every opportunity to highlight how we are being wronged.
The need is for not just ‘sorry being said’, but ‘sorry being felt’, and ‘sorry being done’. We want apologies in action, and won’t accept anything less. Sometimes, even that is not enough and we need the person’s whole being to be ‘sorry personified’ till we decide to forgive.
Sometimes though, even that is not enough. Forgiveness is forgotten and we stay very much alert for every wrong, and when that happens, love is at risk. We may not think so at first and feel we are only trying to protect ourselves, and much as we need to do that, we also need to be careful that we don’t use forgiveness as a stick in the process, and bargain with it, saying our forgiveness will be earned if such-and-such happens.
Forgiveness is an act of love for oneself and others, not a bargaining chip.
(The writer’s views are personal)