BENGALURU: In any dating app that you might look at, you get options on what you are looking for that you need to select from when you make a profile. There are options ranging from something casual to friends to relationships. Some apps are very clear about their purpose, such as the number of matrimonial apps, apps designed for those looking for something that is not headed towards matrimony, especially for people who are already in such a relationship but want more, and even more specifically targeted apps designed for particular groups of people to find each other based on their very clear preferences.
Rumi’s quote ‘What you seek is seeking you’ notwithstanding, the reality of everyday life is that we have to be particularly clear about what we are seeking. Of course, in most of these apps, we could check all the boxes, or say that we are not sure of what we are seeking, and just looking to engage, just look to make some human connections and see what happens. We might say we are just open to connections and let things happen as they will.
Many of us do that when we are just feeling lonesome and seek some connection, any connection, and feel that we can figure out the rest of it in time – it is hard enough to make that connection, let alone look for something in particular. It is like setting out into a forest on a foraging expedition, or a hunting trip, not quite knowing what we might find but fairly confident that something will turn up – or in a more modern context, going to the market with the intention of getting fresh produce, not knowing what will be there, but confident that we can make something nice with whatever is there.
The thing is, most times, even when we tell ourselves that we can make something out of anything we get, as long as it is fresh and at a reasonable price, we may not actually behave that way when we get to the market. Imagine you are going to just buy vegetables. If when you get to the market, all you find is bitter gourd, methi, ash gourd, plantain stems, fox berries, or other things that you don’t like or know what to do with, you might just continue walking along till you find carrots, potatoes or whatever else you like. When we say ‘anything’ we hardly mean anything. Even when it comes to vegetables – why would it be different when it comes to wanting to meet people?
We typically have a certain wishlist. It helps to get familiar with it, be able to articulate what we want and have a sense of what we are looking for when we get out to the market – whether it is vegetables or the relationship marketplace. Otherwise, we end up looking in all the wrong places, wasting time thinking there is nothing suitable for us, or just staring at a random thing we picked, wondering what to make of it.
(The writer’s views are personal)