BENGALURU: I had a clear conscience, a deep-seated certainty that I was not at fault in anything. But I realised that emotions would not get me justice. What they didn’t stick was part of the desire to do something. A spark that turned into a compelling inferno of the need to reach out to other girls who have gone through a similar experience. It was gradual, built up over time.
The certainty that I would pledge every breath of my life to fight sex crimes against women and girls. The more I thought about it, the more I started understanding the impact of sex crimes on women. And then it struck me that women and girls caught in prostitution experience it on a daily, hourly basis. I started to consider prostitution as the worst sex crime,” writes Sunitha Krishnan in her autobiography, I Am What I Am, published by Westland and released recently.
In Chapter 3, titled The Girl Who Did Not Cry, Krishnan, co-founder of Prajwala, an anti-sex trafficking organisation, delves into one of the most harrowing moments of her life – the experience of sexual assault. But what stands out is not simply the recounting of this traumatic event but her exploration of societal expectations of survivors.
The writing episode
Reflecting on why this was the right time to tell her story, Krishnan, a Padma Shri recipient, credits her father as one of the key influences behind her decision to write the book. “One was my father’s death. He had this obsession with autobiography.” After years of encouragement, her father’s autobiography was finally completed just two months before his passing.
This event, combined with a surprising call from a Bollywood producer wanting to make a biopic of her life based on online data, compelled Krishnan to take control of her own narrative. “I cannot allow people to build up stories about me. Whatever truth is there about me should be told by me,” she said.
The writing process, completed in 13 days, was not easy. “Some memories you carry for a lifetime. There’s a certain part of your subconscious that holds on to you,” Krishnan says. Although she has physically moved on, the scars remain. “This book captures only 40 of my life.” Her ability to detach from trauma, to see it from an almost external perspective, has been key to her survival. Yet, even this detachment could not shield her from the emotional toll of revisiting those memories.
“On the fourth day, I collapsed and I was puking for almost six hours. It felt like my body was going through some sort of cleansing.” But each night, after wrestling with her past, the next chapter would reveal itself to her. “I have ensured that I am never consumed by bitterness, pain, or anger. They are necessary, but if I harness them in the right way, I can use that energy for something positive.” It is this controlled anger that fuels her work. “Today, we’ve rescued 29,000 girls and women out of prostitution.”
Krishnan does not shy away from discussing exclusion either. “In the last 37 years, I only faced exclusion.” Despite this, she remains grateful for the adversities that have shaped her. “I am blessed, for all the adverse situations that I went through. I take all my blessings, my wonderful goons who have beaten me up, raped me, destroyed me. I am grateful.”
Recalling her time in jail, Krishnan spoke of the crushing loneliness. “I was the only one among the 13 arrested who did not have anybody to come to see me. I had no change of clothes. That was the first time I physically felt rejected.” This rejection became a turning point, forcing her to confront the humiliation her family had endured.
While reflecting on her journey, Krishnan remains steadfast. “I don’t regret anything. I’m blessed,” she says.