The thing with us people is that we are rarely just single roles. We are usually performing half a dozen roles at any given time, especially when we are adults. Granted, when we are just babies there are not many roles for us to perform other than to be adorable and/or demanding, but as adults we are constantly juggling a multitude of roles, and almost all of them require our love and attention in some form or shape. If it is not romantic love, then it is filial love. If you are in a multi-generational living arrangement, then there are many people with different calls on our loving attention.
The expectation is that the community we are in will pull greater weight together than any one of us can on our own, but often in reality, we feel as if we are the hub around which everyone revolves, that each of these relationships pull us in different directions instead of all of them helping each other roll like the wheel of time itself. Our parents need one thing, the partner needs something else, siblings yet another thing, children and pets other things, and then there is work, staff, friends and a whole lot of other aspects – how can we really manage to love everyone as much as they deserve all the time? Do we end up just making choices each time based on who needs us most? Or, who we want most at that time? Do we just have to slice our time across all of them, carving out bits of space with each? Can we really multi-task and try to love everyone equally well?
Somehow for the most part we just seem to trundle along but when push comes to shove, something usually gives. When everyone is in need including ourselves, what and who do you choose?
Each of us has a pecking order of sorts whether we wish to admit it or not. Most times, we might find ourselves at the bottom of it, with our love for ourselves and our willingness to give ourselves our time and attention at the lowest possible space. Just above that might be parents, or siblings, and friends. Partners may be above that and children right on top. If we assume partners are literally a part of us, then we might end up giving them as little importance as we do for ourselves, and that’s where the big cracks appear in relationships.
In the busiest times of our lives, we might not notice the early rumbles from our partners. We take them for granted, thinking they are ours to treat as we do ourselves. Then, suddenly we find the very earth quaking under our feet when our partners say they don’t feel attended to or loved, growing distant. Sometimes, we discover this when our partners have already found other spaces or people.
All we can do is to try and not take anything for granted, including ourselves. Love has to keep flowing.
(The writer’s views are personal)